Well… it is Wednesday March 27th and Michel just left to go to the airport.
It is official…. I AM ALONE…
I went with him to dinghy him to shore and I went with him for the taxi ride to the airport. He got out and I came back to the dinghy dock in the cab. I got out of the cab… walked towards the dinghy… and just burst into tears.
I got overwhelmed with the magnitude of my reality. This is it.. the starting of a new chapter… it is official now… I am a girl alone on a big race boat in the Caribbean. One of my biggest fears has come true. I don’t agree to this… I don’t like it… I hate it really…
Being the kind of girl I am there is a balance in my head between being very logical and intellectual and just being very emotionally sensitive and emotionally soft. The two sides of my brain are at war right now…
Emotionally there is immense fear… anxiety… nervousness… worry about future bad things that might come… also a good dose of frustration and self pity. If I am honest I am pretty mad at Michel for destroying this thing we had. My number 1 rule on the boat with Michel was … “you don’t leave me”… Yes I have kicked him out… but he has forced me into it. So I have some lingering anger at him…
I do understand that I have to get through my feelings… I have to let them vent out of me… it is the reality of being human… we have emotions. I bought some wine this morning and cheese cake and a bag of my favorite chewy chocolate chip cookies. I will curl up on the couch and watch TV drink wine and eat all the yummy things I love that make me feel better. I will cry and cry until there are no tears left.
Then…. once I have faced my feelings… calmed down… my brain will clear up and I can start thinking about my reality…
Reality…. hmmm…. if reality is the illusion of of our own pluralistic relativism… and we are the primary authors… I need to get to work re-framing the way I think about my situation. I know all this complex philosophy but now I have to work to live it.
So let’s explore some ideas…
Hey… I am living the dream… I am safe… I am okay… I have a 40 foot sailboat all refitted and good to go, proven, and set to live independently off the grid. I have money in the bank and all the time in the world. Nobody gets to tell me what to do.. I have no boss to take orders from… no bills to pay… no debts. The sky is blue the sun is shining and the temperature is perfect… life is good… if only I could see it emotionally.
Two days ago I did take WildChild out sailing alone… and I did it… I proved to myself that I can handle this big girl. It was extremely hard… like a work out… with my heart condition I nearly passed out ten times from the physical exertion… running from helm to the anchor and heaving on the anchor with all my might and running back to correct the engine course…. but I did not actually lose consciousness. I just saw the white spots and went light headed but did not actually pass out… so that’s good.
I did everything myself and proved that I can sail her alone. I did raise both anchors alone (and they are freakin heavy), I got the yacht under motor alone and motored it out of the harbor alone while securing the anchor and not hitting any other boats, I got her out and raised both sails alone (including putting the first reef in the main alone), I switched it off the motor and set the course and set the angles alone, I brought her into the anchorage I wanted and dropped the sails alone, I dropped the anchor alone and secured the boat.
It was only a 5 mile sail but the skills are all there, all the component parts of sailing are there, and I did it alone. So now I know that I CAN handle the vessel alone. I do have the skills and ability to do it. Going 5 miles or 50 miles is all the same just longer.
My plan to sell WildChild still holds, I still want to go home. My problem is that it might take months or years to sell.
So I kind of have 2 options in front of me now…
1/ get WildChild back to the safety and security of Cape Canaveral and pay to get her put up on the hard… hire a boat broker to sell her…. and just walk away…. go home before hurricane season.
but now I’m thinking…. maybe out of this tragedy there could be an opportunity being born here…
2/ I could go forth in the adventure just a little further… find crew… get help… and keep sailing. Maybe there are still some wonderful memories yet to come, still in front of me, if I give them the opportunity to be born. As much as there is danger and possibly very bad things that could happen… there is also the possibility of fun times, cool sunsets, and new great friends.
So maybe I could face this day not so much as a tragedy but maybe it is an opportunity, the start of something great.
So maybe if I can get good crew we could keep the yacht sailing south, explore more of the Caribbean, get below the hurricane belt by July. Maybe I can do this.
but right now…. time to cry and eat cheesecake…
Later guys…
Scared and broken captain Lexi….