I think in life it is okay to have fears, and some of us are brave and strong enough to face them head on, others are simply crazy and fearless. My opinion of solo sailors has always been that they are a weird combination of crazy and brave. I have met many of them over the years, all men, never any female solo sailors, female captains but not any solo sailor chics. I am terrified to become one of these rare creatures. I think it requires far more crazy than I actually have to give and way less respect for my own life and safety than I am comfortable with. I dread joining their ranks. I fear this so much it drives many of my decisions and efforts to avoid it.

It’s time for me to face my fears… time to jump…

Tomorrow I am going for a short easy sail alone from Jolly Harbour to Falmouth Harbour here in Antigua. It should, in theory, be an easy 17 mile jump in light winds and easy seas. This is the theory anyway. I will become a wild solo sailor chic.

I have met several interesting characters / solo sailors in the last few weeks here in Antigua. I have been talking to them about their experiences alone on the ocean. I have to respect their right to privacy and not betray anybody’s identity so I will give them fake names for this story telling. These are true stories, not mine, but real people who have had these real experiences.

Frenchie

Frenchie is a guy from France who has been out here sailing in the ocean for the last 30 years. He has sailed around the world 7 times and claims almost 200,000 sailing miles on the planets oceans. He has not done all of this sailing alone but much of it. He has absolutely no fear of dying or concern for his life. He tells me there is no point of being scared or having feelings, “they do not help you… if you die you die… no big deal. ” . He says he dislikes the panama canal and all their rip off fees so he has sailed around several times. He has sailed alone around cape horn many times and says it is no big deal. He tells me he sailed the northwest passage up around and thru Canada a few years ago alone. “no big deal… it is hard.. you have to be tough..  I see no people for a month and a half…”  he tells me. “I got stuck in the ice for a week… there is no help up there…”

 

Andrew

He was a bored European guy… one day he bought a sailboat knowing almost nothing about sailing. Older guy bought a hurricane damaged boat down here in the Caribbean two years ago. The boat is in terrible condition, shiny beneteau production boat that was built for chartering, 4 cabins 2 heads and thin flimsy weak hull and most of the electrical systems do not work. The boat spent 6 months underwater and has enormous salt damage to it, but he says… he got such a good price on it. He has no autopilot and no chart plotter. He is pretty oblivious about what he is doing, he just goes he says, eventually you get somewhere and you drop anchor and you are fine again. He has not done any ocean crossings or anything, he is just puttering here around the Caribbean, but still, if you have read any of my December 2019 blogs, mother nature can have bad moods down here too, yachts do sink down here all the time. Andrew tells me… “…when you have to sleep you just go down and sleep, don’t worry… probably the other boats will steer around you…“. I wonder what his sleeping plan is for reefs and islands.

Like I said these people are crazy…

I am not Frenchie or Andrew or like any of the other solo sailor men I have met. I am a girl, full of feelings and fear and anxiety, I worry, I’d prefer not to get killed out here. I think no boat is worth dying for. I am still young and have lots of life left ahead of me, I am in the middle of my story not the end with nothing to lose. I am thoughtful intelligent and sensitive. I am technically an amazingly competent sailor. I have sailed the north Atlantic ocean in the winter, I know exactly how horrible sailing feels, I know what terrible sea state looks like, I know exactly how terrible the ocean can be up close and personal. I cannot simply cast my fate to the winds like these men do. I do not have this in me, do you?

Sometimes when I speak with solo sailors about their experiences out there, usually they have smaller boats specifically rigged for solo sailing, all lines coming back to the cockpit. They helpfully tell me all I need to do is re-rig my entire boat and bring all the lines back like they have. I think yes you are right..  all I have to do is win the lottery and buy a different boat rigged for solo sailing. I should probably buy the lottery ticket soon.

My reality is… that when I bought WildChild… I was not looking for a solo boat… it is not a solo boat… it is a race horse designed to be run by a crew of six men. It is what it is. It can be run comfortably with two people…. but for one girl alone… this is not an easy thing.

WildChild is a lot of boat

 

Meet WildChild

 

I do know my yacht…. WildChild and I have been intimate friends for 4 years now… she is my child… I know every nook and cranny of her. I built most of her systems myself. I have sailed thousands and thousands of miles on her. I know exactly what to do for everything I would ever need to do sailing. I have the skills…   I lack sufficient crazy in my inner nature though. I am terrified to sail her alone. I have done it before… I CAN do it…  I do not want to do it.

Sailing is easy when mother is calm and happy… but shit goes bad fast… things break… forecasts are wrong… a sudden storm comes up out of nowhere. I think it is horrible to face these things alone. Maybe girls just need emotional support or maybe we draw strength from working in groups as a team. I am unsure… but I would rather face the bad shit as a team than alone.

Let me share with you some of the technical details of what it will take to solo sail WildChild alone.

To sail her alone… I will need to be at the helm to steer, read the instruments and analyze the data to figure out what needs to be done. She has a great helm with lots of great B&G instruments to give me tons of useful data to make good decisions with. To understand what is happening in the ocean around me and figure out what I need to do to go forth. From the helm I can see think and plan, I can steer and run the engine and drive when I have to.

To either side of the helm I have the big secondary winches currently holding the running backstays. These need to be adjusted all the time and can be reached from the helm. The port side secondary winch can also double as the furling winch for the genny.

In front of the helm, that cannot be reached from the helm, is the primary winches for the genny sheets. To control the front sail. These must be adjusted from the center of the cockpit and cannot be reached from the helm.

Up in front under the dodger are the two winches for the main halyard and the main sheet, for controlling the boom of the main sail. They must be adjusted from under the dodger.

I cannot be at the helm AND in the center of the cockpit at the same time.

This can all be managed wit the help of the autopilot though.

BUT… WildChild is a race boat and has 5 more winches on the deck…

 

Now I admit these do not need to be tended or adjusted very often, but when they are needed they can only be worked from the deck. If you can imagine… this deck.. while sailing in rough conditions… is pitching and heaving in every direction and is wet work as the waves frequently wash this area. It is a horrible and dangerous place to be while sailing in rough conditions. WildChild often sails heeled over on her side with the toe rails almost in the water. This deck is seldom horizontal while sailing. It is usually a slipper wet hill dangerous to work on.

 

 

Reefing is the act of making your sails smaller when the winds get too strong. WildChild did not have any reefing clutches because she was designed to run balls to the wall all out and have two men on the deck to jiffy reef the main when necessary. I did add reefing clutches and a reefing winch to make it possible to reef the main but it still requires one person on deck in the rough conditions and one person under the dodger with the main halyard. It is a two person reefing system… very hard to do all this alone.

 

When raising the main sail a sailboat has to go to windward and hold steady at the helm directly into the changing winds. WildChild’s main halyard is best raised by a team of two, one at the mast hauling it up and one in the cockpit at the clutch and winch to take in the slack and watch it raise to avoid tangling into the lazy jacks or running backstays on its way up. With two people raising the main is okay, not so hard… but to do alone… I cannot be watching the helm and steering and at the main halyard winch and at the mast to do the lifting at the same time.

To raise and lower the anchor it must be done from the bow.

So the thing is… WildChild was never designed to have a windlass or be a cruising boat living on the hook. As a race boat she carried only a light weight anchor with a rope rhode to reduce weight. She has a shallow anchor locker.

I added a lovely expensive wonderful windlass myself but the technical problem I could not change was that the anchor locker is only 18 inches deep. Technically when the chain falls off the windlass it should fall down a minimum of 24 inches and have another 3 feet to form up into a pile. I do not have this luxury of space.

 

So therefore to lift my anchor someone has to stand in the anchor locker and pull the chain forward into a pile away from the bottom of the windlass. I have men tell me all the time that all I have to do is install a windlass control switch at the helm and just raise and lower the anchor with the push of  a button from the helm. This is not technically possible for me. I can rig the switch but it will not help, Well.. the men tell me… you should have a deeper anchor locker…  thank you sir for saying stupid things to me wise old man… move along dumbass.

 

 

Captain Lexi might be a fabulous sailor but I cannot replicate myself to be in two places at the same time. So when I solo sail I end up running back and forth. With my heart condition, extreme sudden physical exertion makes me pass out. The change in blood pressure causes physical problems for me. So as I am lifting the anchor running from bow to helm over and over again… I tend to pass out along the way… and wake up 10-60 seconds later. Then I have to reorient my brain… remember where I am and what I was doing… and get back to moving fast before the boat slips into another yacht anchored nearby.

I know this sounds like fun stuff….  but I kind of dread it.

Once the anchor is up and the sails raised… sailing is easy enough… the Autopilot is my best friend and works magnificently.

The hard part is on and off the anchor… main sail up and down.

 

Facing my Biggest Fear

There are good reasons I fear becoming a solo sailor girl on WildChild… to be alone on the ocean so vulnerable to mothers moods. Covid has been a big inconvenience for some of you…  it keeps fucking ruining my life. I lost Alex because of Covid. I cannot sail around because of Covid. I cannot sail home because of Covid. I am trapped out here until the end of Covid quickly running out of money. Now I have no crew and I am alone again on WildChild because of Covid.

I am starting to get the feeling God is pushing me to face my greatest fears. My whole life keeps pushing me into facing solo sailing…. facing my reality.

I have decided to accept my fate.

I am going to face my fears.

Tomorrow I am going to go solo sailing down to Falmouth Harbour Antigua to meet up with friends.

I know that I do not have to do this. I choose to face it. I choose to overcome my fear. Remove the obstacle… join the ranks of those crazy brave solo sailors out there.

FUCK IT…!   Just JUMP. 

That’s why.

I am not going to be pushed around by my fears. I am going to face them… remove the obstacle… remove my fear. Conquer it… because that’s the type of powerful girl I am inside.

 

The Forecast

I have been sitting out some strong winds this last week and working on boat projects that never end. WildChild is good to go now. The weather is supposed to be good for a sail tomorrow.

I should have lovely sailing conditions in a lovely gentle 10-15 knots of wind with easy 4 foot waves. If I had crew with me now I would say this is a perfect window to make this jump. Calm and slow is good conditions for a solo sail. When mom is calm I should not get overwhelmed and have time to move around station to station and do what I need to do. Calm is good.

 

As you can see the first 7 miles of the sail will be an easy beam reach in light winds. These winds should also help me get off the hook and out of the anchorage where I am now heading downwind… making it easier.

Once I get out and around the south west corner of the island though I will have to get WildChild pointed tight into the wind and go another 10 miles upwind to reach Falmouth Harbour in the south.

It means I will be tacking my girl alone and this gets a bit sporty to do alone. I wish now I had studied the B&G manual to figure out how to command the autopilot to automatically come about 100 degrees. For tomorrow I will just make the steering by hand and set the autopilot after I steer the turn… then run up and do all the lines and adjust my sails.

If the ocean is as calm as forecast this should be okay…  you just fall off more than you would with crew… to give you time to adjust your sails and then slowly start to bring her up into the wind to a tight pointing.

The theory is… this should be fine…

 

You can watch my progress live on my website tomorrow by clicking the link at the top of the home page to go to my Garmin tracker page…   If you are curious about how its going.

To make my life extra hard I am also filming myself doing all this stuff for the YouTube videos. As I film everything to share with you guys. The YouTube video will not come out for a year though… sorry my channel is way behind.

I am curious about how often I will pass out tomorrow…

Like the other solo sailors tell me…  at the end of the day… I will either be alive or dead….

Here is to hoping I stay alive huh…

Fuck I am scared…   🙁

Cheers sailors

 

Captain Lexi

 

………..      officially soon to be the certified crazy solo sailor chic     ………………  

 

I can’t wait for crew to arrive…  🙂