Although I was raised to be a very independent girl there are times when I do need help… but I seem to have difficulty asking for help. I would happily and easily do anything to help almost anyone without much thought or worry about it, I tend to feel guilty ever asking for help for myself. Being alone on the ocean on my big race boat is very difficult though and I do need help sometimes. Also I have been rethinking my anti-man bias lately, maybe all men do not suck? Perhaps I owe an apology to the gentle men out there..?

 

Some Men Suck

I know this is an odd way to start out an apology to the male spirit but please be patient with me. I have shared just some of the poor male behaviour I have had to deal with in the past with you guys, which is the foundation of my “men suck” bias.

 

 

About 4 days ago I went to shore in Jolly Harbour to visit with my friend Mr. Jarvis and do some provisioning and hit up the budget marine for parts for my ongoing boat projects. My engine start battery is 4 years old and just barely able to start my engine, so replacing it, although ridiculously expensive down here, had become necessary.

I went to the Budget marine had them charge up test and prove a new battery for me then returned the next day to purchase it. The battery of course, is too heavy for me to carry and the boys at the store used their dolly cart to transport it down near the dinghy dock for me. This is very near where my friend Mr. Jarvis’s outdoor art gallery is and I asked him if I could leave my battery there with him for half an hour so that I could run to the grocery store on my eternal hunt for milk.

When I returned Mr. Jarvis had one of his young Dominican friends there visiting him named Daniel. I had met Daniel a few times before. He is very cute, around my age, late twenties to mid thirties perhaps and he is very charming and friendly. I stop in and chat in my usual friendly way with my friend Mr. Jarvis and Daniel is included in the conversation. A short while later I say my good-byes and carry my groceries the hundred meters down to the dinghy dock and was about to return to lug my heavy new battery down when Daniel arrives carrying it for me. I did not ask for help but Daniel very graciously saw that I needed help and just stepped in. What a nice guy I thought to myself, perhaps all men do not suck.

Daniel helps me load the battery into my dinghy then seems to want to sit and chat with me alone before I leave. So I sit and chat with him. He moves the conversation into ground like where is your husband…  do you live alone… I live alone… I am a nice guy…  I can make you feel good…  and can I have your number…?

Ohh geez…  I think I know where this is going but sometimes there are cultural misunderstandings so I am very forgiving but I always try to be very clear….   “we are just friends…!   no sex…”.  Daniel is all offended that I could even misread him like this of course he just wants to help me. He will be crew for me if I ever need help moving my boat or doing any work on it. He is just trying to be nice why do I cast him in such a bad light?

I think ohhh… maybe my personal bias has gotten in the way of me seeing men for the lovely kind human beings they really are? I apologize. He is persistent about asking for my whatsapp number so we can text, so if I ever need help I can contact him. Eventually I surrender to his persistence and let him have my whatsapp number.

That night he is texting like a man on a mission and he is calling me “sweetheart” and “sexy girl” and on and on. His true intentions no longer masked in kindness, why don’t I let him come have sex with me. Eventually it is apparent he only sees me as a piece of meat he can use to wet his willy. I end it and block him.

So it seems men do still suck.

 

Apology to the male Spirit

I tell you this story because you probably do not have to get treated like this all the time like I do and you probably do not see this kind of behaviour out of men, either because you are a man or you are a married women or have a boyfriend to shield you from it. The next day when I tell Mr. Jarvis about Daniel’s behaviour he is shocked, “I have known Daniel since he was a little boy” he tells me “never did I know he could act like that”.  Yep its true.. other men never treat each other like this… this degrading behaviour is reserved for girls like me.

 

 

As I am telling this story to Mr. Jarvis his other friend Alex the artist is sitting quietly to the side. Alex is the artist who makes most of the artwork that Mr. Jarvis sells and he is amazingly talented.  As I conclude my story with the sentiment “men suck” Alex pipes up and says “you should not say this”.

Alex explains that yes it is true that most men are just animals wearing clothes but this is not all men. He says a civilized man is a gentleman and he knows how to treat people with respect. That I should not paint all men with the same brush.

This gives me pause for thought. He makes a good point.

My friend Mark on SV Roxy is one of the most wonderful human beings I know and has only ever treated me well. My friend Bones on SV Emily Morgan has given me grief in the past for my anti-man ramblings, Bones is a wonderful human being who treats everyone with kindness and respect. Mr. Jarvis is a wonderful kind and very respectful human being. I do know many men who treat women like human beings and they certainly do not deserve to suffer my anti-man bias because of the poor behaviour of some men.

So I think I owe the male spirit an apology.

It is my opinion that only 50% of men are selfish animals, but I understand now that means probably 50% of men are not pigs. That perhaps half of all men are lovely human beings who deserve to be treated with all my love and kindness and respect unless or until they prove themselves to be pigs.

So I apologize to the 50% of men who are lovely civilized human beings… to you… I am sorry I have painted your entire gender with the same brush this last year….  my bad….   I apologize to you all.

 

Asking for Help

For the week I just spent in Jolly harbour I was mostly in a good mood and content in my solitude. I have been working on my eternal to-do list and got quite a few projects knocked off the list. Each day staying busy with a chosen project or two. I have decided to try and knock some of my bigger projects off the to-do list because, well… I have a lot of free time on my hands to do them.

 

 

Every evening I sit alone on my deck and celebrate the sunset and yes I am still naked dancing in the dark a lot, not every night, but probably every other night. My stress level is way down and I feel content wild and free which I think is a good place to be in ones life.

Eventually word got out on shore that I am a marine electrician, which can sometimes make me popular among sailors. I had made a new friend Canadian Chris who bought an old boat in the yard that he is fixing up and trying to launch soon. He has a bunch of electrical work that he needs help with and I offered to come have a look and help him out.

As I was visiting Chris in the boat yard the other day he mentioned that his friend Alain (French Canadian guy) had asked for help to get his mainsail back on. As we are all Canadians, so common culture of friendly kindness and all sailors, of course I volunteered to come along and help Alain too. We wander down to the boat yards work dock and find this lovely 42 foot sailboat tied up alongside. I meet Alain who is a very kind white haired old man who is alone on his boat.

 

 

A quick story…

So it seems Alain had bought his boat down here in Jolly Harbour last year then Covid hit and the boat got put away for most of the last year. He returned a month ago and had the boat launched. Alain set off by himself to go north to St. Martin. He got only 10 miles offshore when he got hit by a small squall, really not much, like gusting to 25 for a few minutes. He blew out his staysail and could not get his mainsail to unfurl. YES he has an in-mast furling main sail. He had left his dock lines on his side deck unsecured and they fell in the water and were trailing under the boat. He started his engine and got the dock lines wrapped around his prop. He could motor slowly forward… the line was wound the other way… but when he went into reverse the line tightened around his prop shaft. He did not think to use his genny to sail or seem to know how to use his genny to save himself.

Slowly Alain took 12 hours to motor the 10 miles back to Jolly Harbour. He threw a ton of money at the yard workers to fix things for him as he cannot fix anything for himself, he doesn’t know how.

Now his mainsail repaired and returned he needed to get it raised and mounted so he could leave again.

Chris was there to help lower it a week ago but could not remember how they did it. I have never dealt with a furling mainsail before so I had to figure it out for them. Eventually Chris and I get the mainsail raised and furled for Alain and he is very grateful for our help. Alain even agrees to pay for my groceries that day as a show of gratitude, he is a very nice man.

But this got me thinking… it is a common story out here… and I know this is going to sound harsh and I do not intend my brutal version of reality to be so harsh but…

This is a common story. Rich old white people, with more money than brains… are old, retired, have lots of free time and lots of money… they think hey why not go sailing it looks fun and easy… they plunk down a quarter million dollars on a nice shiny boat… and just jump right into the sailing thing, little to no experience or knowledge or ability.

This is a weirdly common phenomena down here and it surprises me.

I know exactly how mean mother nature can be and I was terrified to jump out and do this, very hesitantly and with great trepidation did I face mother out on the ocean. I know exactly what her bad moods feel like. I know exactly how nasty the ocean can be. I know how quickly things can turn from happy to horrible out here. I know that mother nature has no forgiveness for fools or incompetence…  She  will punish us all equally and it takes a certain amount of skill to avoid disaster out here. That incompetence will soon summon disaster and I worry that my new friend Alain is ringing the dinner bell.

 

Sailing Back to Falmouth

I do know about myself that I have a very hard time ever asking for help for me. I would do anything to help anyone else but I am just terrible at asking for help. I feel guilty inconveniencing other people just to help little insignificant me. I push myself into doing things alone that are very hard because it often seems more difficult for me to trust other people or to ask for help.

 

But I have a boat project to run new wires in my mast and there is no way for me to do this alone, I NEED help. I have not spoken about this before but Peter had a friend named Kevin down here whom I have been in contact with since the bad day. Kevin is an old retired ships captain who runs a marine business down here and is the one who hauled out Peters boat a month ago. Kevin seems to have adopted me and checks in on me everyday, perhaps we can say he has wrapped his arms of protection around me.

Well a week ago when I mentioned to Kevin that I had a boat project I was trying to find help for Kevin right away suggested that why don’t I just come back down to Falmouth harbour and he will have some of his guys help me out for free. I had never even actually met this man before yet he just offers me help just like that. I wanted to meet Kevin and I was happy for the offer of help so I decided to make the passage down to Falmouth for yesterday.

I can make the sail alone, I have done it before, but it is very difficult to do alone. I have been searching for crew to replace Brendan but as of yet no luck. This is perhaps due to my bias against accepting anymore male crew. I am trying to find female crew to keep peace and harmony in my home. I have many men willing to come crew for me but cannot find a nice female crew with the time and means to come sail with me.

 

Kevin asks me a few days ago “do you have anyone to crew for you” and I admit that I do not. Right away Kevin says “don’t worry about it, I will send my guy Neville to help you.. no problem”. Again I am grateful for the offer but I find myself unsure about accepting it. Neville is a man… and a man I have never met… it is a 50/50 gamble if he will be civilized or not and so far my experience and batting average is not good. I can do this passage alone… but should I ..? Is it wiser to be independent and do this very hard thing alone..?  trust no one..?  Rely on nobody…?

Or is it more wise to not suffer needlessly thru the very difficult thing alone…?  Take a leap of faith and trust strangers for help…?

I make the leap of faith and accept the offer of help from Neville.

I pick up this stranger on shore yesterday morning at the Jolly Harbour dinghy dock and bring this man I have never met before back to my yacht. He is a licensed Captain and has his yacht master papers and Kevin assures me Neville is a good man. Neville used to be a police officer in St. Lucia for 18 years and is an honorable stand up guy Kevin assures my anxiety.

I bring Neville on board yesterday morning, do a quick half hour training session in Captain Lexi’s sailing school to make sure Neville and I can communicate using the same technical sailor lingo and we set off together for the 5 hour jump south.

Neville is absolutely wonderful to have onboard. He does great and his attitude is absolutely wonderful. He was an absolute pleasure to have onboard for the sail. He is so easy to get along with and is perfectly happy to follow a female Captains lead, no issues at all. We work great together as a team and he is good company, we are able to talk and enjoy each others company and we had a lovely sail yesterday. Neville is always seeking to figure out how to help his team or figure out what the boat needs or the Captain wants, he is happy to help with anything.

 

I did catch this weird looking fish, and we did get it onboard and Neville was kind enough to do the killing while I cried and apologized to the fish repeatedly. I do not try to be so soft and emotionally sensitive it is just my nature, I can’t help it, my empathy is like a thousand percent. I wince in pain as Neville is punching the fish in the head smashing its skull in. Ohh goodness it was a bloodless death, which I think Neville chose to protect me from nightmares but it was still horrible to witness. I can still close my eyes and feel it.

 

As WildChild began making her approach to the Falmouth harbour entrance I began to be flooded with sadness and anxiety. As my eyes saw that entrance I could not help but get this slight glimmer of excitement for a brief moment that my friend Peter would be there waiting for me as he always used to be. Then my logic pushes the cold hard reality into my face and I begin to cry. I go down below to get my teddy bear and tuck him in next to my heart. I am trying to deal with this emotional flood which I knew I would have to face eventually.

 

 

Everything about Falmouth is tainted with my memories of my friend, we were inseparable down here, every place I went here was with Peter, mixed with memories of Peter. How could I disconnect these associations? How could I not see this place and think of my friends death here a few weeks ago…?

As we began to line up to make our approach I had a little panic attack and suddenly wanted to abort and turn away and not face this pain, tears streaming down and I am shaking with anxiety. Neville knows why this is hard for me and he is beside me talking soothing words to help me calm down, he is the steady hand I can rely on as I start to fall to pieces again.

I take a deep breath and try to steady myself. We keep going forward, the vessel will continue as planned. Yesterday we made it in here and had the anchor down by 4pm. Neville cleaned the fish and I gave it to him to take home and eat. I have so much gratitude for his help yesterday, he was so wonderful to have onboard. Even when I suddenly passed out on him, (I had not told him about my heart condition as I figured that with help I would not likely pass out on that sail… I was wrong) Neville was surprised but handled the situation well. When I came to he had his hand on my shoulder and was staring into my eyes and trying to help reorient me. He remained calm.

 

Yesterdays sail with this man has also furthered to my evolution to begin a slow transition away from my anti-man bias. Neville is a man but is also a wonderful amazing kind civilized gentleman and was a wonderful human being to have on my boat.

Perhaps I can open up my search for crew to the male gender again, perhaps it is possible to find male crew that can be easy to live with and easy to get along with. Perhaps I can ask for help and accept help even if it is from a man. Maybe my gender bias is melting away now… I think Neville has helped in my spiritual growth and was sent to me for a reason.

 

 

 

Captain Lexi…

 

.    …… the slowly evolving into a better person everyday….