Well the solo sail to Barbuda last week was difficult but I am badass tough. Un-fun stuff that makes me nervous every time but the fear is under control now. I think I only passed out 5 times the last sail and vomited 3 times. A shark attacked the barracuda I caught as I was reeling it in…  Eeek…  poor barracuda. The construction in Coco Beach Barbuda is coming right along as the wild horses continue to wander around. This place is still my favorite place though. I have been able to get a lot of writing work done here and the new book is coming along great. Sometimes the pure act of creation of writing brings me total joy.

 

Solo Sailor chic

Last I told you guys I was about to solo sail away from green island. As I got out to sea I made the spontaneous decision to keep going north to Barbuda. The seas were okay and I had a good wind angle to make the beam reach straight up here. I love this place and figured maybe the seclusion would be good for my writing.

 

 

I have been thinking more about this entire topic lately… solo sailing.

I think maybe sometimes, when I write openly about my sailing experiences many people might be bringing their own ideas too much into what I write. I have heard people say that I am trying to elicit pity and say poor Lexi when I talk about how difficult things can be. I assure you if this is the approach you take when reading my stuff, you are the genesis of all of it. I do not intend nor have any feelings of pity for myself. Wrong paradigm.

I talk about my struggles because they matter to me, they form and build me. They are shaping my ever budding internal character. When I talk about something hard I overcame I am far more interested in the power strength courage and perseverance it took me to overcome it. This is the point of the story.

The interesting part of the journey of life is the struggles not the easy times. My life is anything but easy. I do realize though, that most of you have Facebook bombarding you with too much propaganda about how wonderful all your friends lives are, how great they have it, and maybe this has set an expectation inside you? Maybe you expect me to do the same, only tell you how wonderful everything in life is. Sell you the sailing dream for your fantasies?

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news… but that is not going to happen. I am not wired this way.

My writings are open and honest and direct, I give equal time to the ups as I do to the downs. If you need me to white wash everything for you with the happy brush… well too bad.

The act of becoming a solo sailor chic out here has been a long and difficult road for me. If you have been following along or read my books you will know…  I never agreed to becoming a solo sailor… never wanted to… and was sure I could not do it. I have been terrified of this transformation but it seems it is complete now anyway.

FEAR….  this huge terrifying thing that I have feared for so long, which has had so much power over my life for years now, has been conquered. I have been reclaiming this power fear has taken from me by facing my fears but it was a huge mountain to climb… It has been a long hard journey and I have brought you with me every step of the way.

…because I feared becoming a solo sailor…

—> I let an evil monkey stay onboard for months and keep abusing me

—> I let a dragon crew stay on board for a year despite her constantly hurting me with her intense crazy spells.

—> I have been paralyzed in fear afraid to move forward alone, I would do anything to avoid solo sailing thus I was vulnerable to predators.

If you have been following along you have seen me evolve into a powerful girl who has conquered one of her biggest fears in life. My journey into becoming this powerful solo sailor chic has been a long one of immense courage and bravery. This is the whole point of my transparency, not pity.

My recent blogs about facing my ultimate fear… the fear of death…   and understand I am a big chicken inside…    is about me facing the last barrier necessary to overcome my fear of solo sailing. I am rather astounded that I have done it. I am no longer ruled by fear of solo sailing despite how fucking unbelievably hard and dangerous it is for me to do. Yes solo sailing is very hard, yes it is very dangerous, yes I could die doing this thing, yes it takes enormous power strength and courage to face. BUT I have faced it.

It seems… I am way badass tougher than I ever imagined I could be

I am proud of my accomplishment.

I am now a powerful solo sailor chic alone in the ocean

So when my last crew flipped his lid… I ended it right away… I did not let my fear of solo sailing  allow him to stay aboard and continue to dominate me. I found the courage to send him away and face my biggest fear… solo sailing.

For the last sail to get here to Coco Beach in Barbuda a week ago I had to really face my fears right in the eye, do something very hard in open ocean with no land in sight, sail directly into this thing that used to terrify me. I had to conquer my fear… and I have… I am a powerful Do’er not a talker like most people are.

Wild Captain Lexi the Solo Sailor Chic is currently an appropriate title I have earned.

***

 

The Sail

I admit I was nervous that morning. I was very scared but just kept breathing deeply and stayed focused. I faked confidence in myself and sold my unconscious mind a bunch of self talk about how great I am. I know logically what to, I just had to face it and do it.

I began walking my steps, looking forward and planning ahead.

It took me probably 20 minutes to get the anchor up from the bow. There is a solo sailor technique, where you cantilever the boat slowly forward using gravity and the weight of the chain to pull the boat slowly forward towards the anchor, that another solo sailor had taught me about. It works great you just need patience. I did not pass out getting the anchor up and had it hanging off the bow roller as I ran back to the helm to get the yacht under engine power. WildChild was drifting backwards but I had room behind me.

I used the engine to set a course for the harbour entrance and set the autopilot to hold course while I ran back to finish bringing the anchor up. My heart rate was jacked up but holding. I got all the sand and mud off the anchor and got it stowed before it was time to turn the corner. Breathing heavy and with white spots beginning to form in my vision I got back behind the helm and had to rest for a minute. I didn’t pass out though. I was walking the fine line between the needs of the boat and the needs of my body.

I got WildChild motored safely around the reefs and got her into the wind behind the wave protection of the island. This was a limited run though so I had to act fast. Autopilot set, I ran up on deck and manually hauled up the main sail from the mast. I had set the first reef for the days sail to be cautious. Working furiously I hauled the main sail up as far as I could from the mast then ran back to the cockpit to finish it.

Working furiously on the halyard winch I got the luff tension set and locked off the clutch. Breathing heavy and with white spots in my vision again I had to go back up on deck to set the boom vang  to control the leech tension. Sail set beautifully tight I ran back to the helm and told auto to bear off 90 degrees and head for the opening in the protective reefs. I was releasing the starboard running backstay when my lights finally went out the first time.

 

Not bad though. I did a great job doing all the hard stuff alone and did not pass out until near the end. With white speckles still in my vision I tried to reorient myself back to reality and see the chart plotter. I still needed to make course corrections to get safely out to open waters.

As the wind angle came off the bow the mainsail started to power up and the motor was no longer necessary. I killed the engine once I cleared the last rock face guarding the entrance. The winds were 15-18 knots and the waves were okay at only 3-5 feet. WildChild is a tough girl and just forced herself into the wind like a race horse. I pulled out 70% of the genny and got the sail set before I passed out again. I was clipped into the main cockpit tether at the time though so all good. I woke up on the floor wondering where I was as the sounds of the ocean filled my senses.

As the ocean swell was piling up into the narrowing confines of this bay the harmonic frequency of the wavs began to increase in these still shallow waters. Soon I had 6 foot waves close together smashing WildChild up and down more violently than my heart is comfortable with. My heart began fibrillating wildly again. About 5 minutes later, tethered in behind the helm the rapid up and down motion put my lights out again. I woke up laying on the bench fine but annoyed.

It was a short mile to get out off the bank and into calmer more steady 6-8 foot swell further apart. The waves were coming up to the height of the lifeline on the high side but more rolly and less smashy. It was time to make my carefully planed tac to the north. Again I did a great job doing it alone, coordinating many things at the same time, and got my girl onto a starboard tac pointing north, close hauled, rail in the water again.

Unfortunately I passed out while winching in the genny manually. It is very physical work, which normally I can do easily enough but after all the other things I had to do first, it added up to too much for me to take. I passed out again in the middle of the cockpit floor, tethered in of course.

When I woke up everything was fine. WildChild knows what to do and does a great job doing it. I had lots of sea room by then so therefore lots of time to make decisions. I finished trimming in the genny sheet and went back behind the helm and tethered in there.

Once I got into deeper waters the ocean swell reduced and thus the dominant wave period increased making it easier on me. I put on my headphones and settled in for a long sail. When it came time to decide my destination I just decided to keep going north. I had a windward advantage that would make the straight shot to Barbuda easy so I just took it.

I sat there for 5 hours and just.. well you know how it is.

 

 

There were two occasions on the way… where the underwater ledge dropped away then came back again thru a curve in the cliffs that the waves got a bit rough. By then I was rather relaxed laying down listening to podcasts so I was surprised when I felt my arms and legs go tingly as the waves picked up. Do you know the sensation when you sleep on your arm and it goes all tingly numb from low blood circulation..?  It feels sort of like that but in all my limbs.

This is a warning sign for me that my blood pressure has gone funny again. All of a sudden I felt my stomach want to let go. It is such a weird thing for me. I can barely even detect the motion of the waves in my head, I hardly even notice the boat moving anymore. I do not get seasick at all. Like in my mind I feel completely fine… then all of a sudden my limbs go tingly and my stomach lets go. I vomit for a minute… my heart rate jacks up again and my brain struggles to equalize my blood pressure and a minute later I am fine again. Very frustrating for me. This happened about 3 times that day.

It is dangerous because when you vomit you also dehydrate which makes my blood pressure problem worse. Bad cycle. I tried to get myself slowly rehydrated each time, brought out the crackers and water but kept giving it all back to Neptune every time I relaxed again. So annoying. I have found that if I stand up at the helm and dance or move around or do jumping jacks it helps pump up my heart rate and this goes away, but who wants to spend an entire day sailing and dancing around?

I keep emergency sailing Gatoraide onboard for just such occasions though to help force rehydration when it becomes an issue. I did get to keep some of the Gatoraide in my body.

Kind of a funny story. I had my head sticking out the rails watching the water rushing past wondering if my tummy was going to let go again when the fishing rod went off above me. As I struggled to control my tummy I was also reeling in a big fish. Suddenly the fish got extra heavy and began to spool out the reel. Then it stopped its run and I began reeling it in again.

Well.. it seems a freakin shark went after and tried to eat the barracuda I was reeling in, as I was trying to get it in. It seemed odd when I got the fish close to the boat that it had no tail..!

Freakin sharks…   🙁

Poor Barracuda though. I would have released it. I did release it but it was already dead before I got it in.

I reset my rod and got another huge hit about half an hour later. I have no idea what it was but it spooled my line pretty fast and soon broke the 80 pound test line. I lost my favorite lure dammit.

Grrrr…    to that fish… or shark

I did a great job of dropping sails as I approached Barbuda and switched to engine again for the last mile in. I was careful about my body and walked the line carefully. Sails down without passing out. I motored in towards the beach and picked out my secluded spot. I was dropping the anchor 5 minutes later when I passed out again. I only had about 60 feet of chain out in 20 feet of water when I felt my head go funny again. I managed to quickly get the spooling chain onto the cleat before I passed out. I went over backwards and landed awkwardly on top of the windlass.

For the next few days I could not figure out why my back was sore. Then I pieced together the fuzzy memory of waking up laying backwards on the windlass. Well… at least I knew enough to fall backwards and not forwards into the anchor locker or overboard huh…         🙂

 

 

Gotta think positive…..   focus on the good things

🙂

 

My Life in Paradise

As I have mentioned before I do live a wonderful mostly easy life here in tropical paradise. I watch the wild horses wandering the beach in front of me everyday. I watch the kite surfers flying around.

 

 

You can see from this picture that the billionaire developments are coming along nicely. Steady progress with this construction company. The billionaires will get their vacation mansions on time it seems.

 

 

I go snorkeling and exploring underwater when the mood strikes me. The waters here are always bath water warm and usually here in coco beach the water visibility is good. There are so many reefs to explore here, so much aquatic life everywhere to enjoy watching. It is a bit dicey for me to snorkel alone too. I have passed out in the water lots of times before. Usually when I have a swim partner I will call to them to hold my head up when I go lights out.

When I solo snorkel I just always wear my very buoyant wetsuit. With positive buoyancy I can stay relaxed while floating above the underwater scenes. This helps keep my heart rate steady and low, thus more stable. I hope that if I do someday pass out snorkeling alone I don’t spit the mouth piece of the snorkel out. As long as I don’t do that I should be alright until I come back. I often stop breathing when I pass out anyway. So probably even if I did let water in past the mouth piece when I was unconscious I probably wouldn’t swallow it while unconscious. I can’t even swallow my own saliva when I am out.

Calculated risks right…?

 

 

I love watching the schools of colourful little fish swimming around. These yellow ones seem to be worshipping at the alter of the giant brain…. ha ha ha… look at the brain coral in the picture.

 

I live my life much like you do. I have my little routines that comfort me. Every morning I start my day with a yummy glass of chocolate milk (when its available) and watch an episode of Grey’s anatomy TV show. Then I go sit at my desk and work on writing my next book. Teddy comes with me everywhere and supervises my writing.

This latest book is very different from anything else that I have written. It is so fun to create. I get pure joy during those moments when inspiration strikes and my mind creates a way to advance the story I have been writing. I get so excited but have nobody to share my joy with so I text my friends.

They are always very kind to me but of course do not feel the same rush. They are not writers so they do not fully understand the feeling of excitement. I wish I had writer friends to talk to. I wish I had a chess partner to play chess with too.

 

 

 

I am still playing VR for fun and exercise. Yesterday there were rain clouds moving thru the area making the humidity high. I decided to go up on the bow to play Beat Saber in the cooling breeze. When I was playing down below it was so hot, I was sweating so much, I kept fogging up the device. But Lexi… it is so savage to be in public in your underwear… it is unforgivably savage to show pictures of yourself in your underwear girl… what’s wrong with you savage girl?

 

Going Feral

I am beginning to realize that I am going feral like a wild animal. My yacht is named WildChild for a good reason. I have always had a wild spirit inside. Living my ocean life out here so isolated and alone though is affecting me.

I am still sitting on the side deck every night in my bikini and celebrating the sunset alone.

I am still blasting my music as the light fades to black.

I am still naked dancing on deck after dark.

There is no moon this week so it is very dark out under the heavens full of stars. So many stars it is spectacular. My front deck is small and crowded with stuff. I would not want to trip and fall overboard while dancing at night so I am turning on my new blue steaming light. It bathes the whole front of the yacht in a sexy blue glow. I still strip my clothes off and dance wild and free and release everything to the heavens.

There are other boats anchored around here. There are people on shore. I am unsure if they can see me naked dancing alone on deck every night in the pale blue glow….   but… well…  I don’t care anymore.

I am so separated from all society… from all social rules and convention…  that I just don’t much care anymore. I have long since stopped caring what other people think of me. People judge me all the time and honestly I don’t give a crap at all. I would never want to deliberately be disrespectful to other sailors anchored out here though.

but… this seems like a grey area to me. They are not that close… even in daylight they could not see very much of me from a distance. My music cannot carry too far over the wind. Nobody has ever complained to me about my wild naked dancing on deck every night. The dancing feels so free… so wild… so animal…  it feels great. Why should I stop doing it anyway?

I am unsure I will stop doing it even if someone anchors near me… cause I don’t care anymore.

I am sure a legend is going to develop eventually about that wild and crazy girl naked dancing on her yacht up and down the Caribbean over the next few years.

I am getting tired of making my YouTube videos about my life from over a year ago. I am not sure how much more I will continue making my season 3 videos. Honestly the story is only going to go horrible and I don’t really want to re-live it anymore. If y’all are curious you can just buy the third book… its all in there… and it is a fascinating read.

I am thinking of making a new YouTube channel soon. I am far more interested in posting my life as it is now. I am thinking of closing the time gap between the channel and the blogs. Just jump ahead to the present soon. Not sure yet… just been thinking about it.

 

anyway… enough chatting for now…

Time to go cook myself something for dinner. I have not eaten anything yet today and its already 5pm. I should probably fuel the machine now.

 

Later guys

 

Wild Captain Lexi

 

… going savage and feral…