Well it has been a week since the last blog and the tension on the yacht between Teddy and I is becoming palpable. Teddy just hates seeing me get depressed and fall, he dislikes seeing me curled up in the fetal position crying. This is my 16th time being lockdown to save the world from Covid again, I struggle to keep paying the price for other peoples crimes. But…. Teddy is a source of strength for me… my army drill sergeant who will not let me stay down… Teddy has been yelling at me a lot lately, talking sense into me.

Either the reed bends in the wind or it breaks 

 

 

Struggling with Depression

This old idea of freedom used to be one that people would fight wars to protect. This old idea of freedom is what originally lured me into this sailing life. Wander the high seas and feel free again. If the neighbourhood gets difficult just sail away to some place new and better. I am pretty sure being free from government control is why we all do this.

That freedom has brilliantly been taken away from all human beings on the planet in one fell swoop, including us ocean rats and wandering nomads. I understand why they are doing it, but that does not make it any easier to live with. I wonder, if I do eventually commit suicide from Covid lockdown depression…   will my death get credited to Covid in the stats? It is a genuine question, seems legitimate to me, secondary cost of Covid, casualty of the war on Covid. How many do we kill with lockdowns to prevent them from dying of covid?

 

The total loss of freedom is depressing

 

Interesting side story

I was sent this true story from a sailor friend recently. If I think my life is sucky lately I am grateful I have not made the same bad choices Karin Marley Simons of Antigua has made.

It seems mr. Simons decided some time ago it would be a good idea to smuggle 556 kilograms of cocaine into Canada via sailboat this past summer. He was caught by Quebec RCMP when his boat caught fire off the coast of Nova Scotia August 29th 2021.

 

 

He was in police custody in Dartmouth General Hospital the next day when he gave the cops the slip and made his way down to the local yacht club. There he stole a sailboat off a mooring and headed for home.

You know…. straight into hurricane Larry…!  Yep… dude is dead now. Sailing into hurricanes is a tremendously bad idea. All good sailors know this… it’s why I am currently hiding from them in Grenada now. Hurricanes are scary dangerous.

If you are curious for more information…  click here for a link to the original article.

 

 

Every morning as I lay in bed alone and depressed, trying to find a reason to get out of bed for that day, I listen to the morning cruisers radio net. They often give me Covid updates for Grenada, and it seems, it is time for Grenada to face Covid and find its herd immunity.  No more hiding from the inevitable. Covid has finally escaped their defensive measures.

Being a sailor means I am particularly freedom loving. Being alone is hard, being locked down alone is extra hard. I have been wallowing in self pity long enough, time to rise.

 

Teddy Begins Kicking my Ass

A few days ago Teddy decided it was time for some tough love.

 

 

In a voice eerily reminiscent of my military fathers, Teddy shouted at me the other morning   “suck it up buttercup“…    “on your feet soldier“… !!! It is okay to fall but you always have to get back up again. “One week of self pity is all you are allowed kid…!” Teddy can be irritating like this sometimes. My tough father was very much the same.

Teddy is not usually one prone to waxing philosophical but in this instance he knew it was the best ground to fight me on. I have always been a sucker for good philosophical logic, my wild emotions can always be tamed by reason eventually. As much as I want to pull the covers over my head and ignore him, it is still waaay too hot here for that.

I get up to go to the head and Teddy follows me in…   he was being relentless with his irritating assault of logic and reason.

 

 

“Cap’n Lexi…”  Teddy begins with a respectful approach, clever Teddy…  “… there ain’t no use in wishin the world was different… it is what it is… FACE IT…  ACCEPT IT…  MOVE ON soldier….“. I understand his words but I don’t wanna hear em right now.  I flush the toilet and move out into the salon to watch TV. Teddy follows me and does not relent in his assault.

 

 

“… Cap’n… you already know the expression…. Get busy livin… or get busy dyin…” Teddy says in that insistent voice he has in my head. “If yer gonna hang yerself just hurry up and do it… go meet the devil in hell and don’t say I didn’t warn ya…” he hurls this at me knowing it is my soft spot. My spiritual beliefs have gotten me thru many tough times in the past, that and the angels that occasionally carry me.

The voice of Teddy in my head can be very difficult to drown out. His attacks have been strategic and perfectly aimed to get me to listen to him further, despite my own reluctance.  Teddy is the only one who can out match me intellectually. He already knows everything I think know and believe. Perhaps my guardian angels are speaking thru him today, I am unsure.

I am getting irritated with him, I have to turn off the TV and just face him.

 

 

The tension on the boat recently has been palpable, it is probably good I don’t have any crew now to feel it too. I am so frustrated I am near my limit, I am trying not to scream. I HATE this and do not want to submit and conform and do as I am told, I do not want to be under control. I do not consent to solitary confinement and imprisonment.

Teddy knows me though, he can already feel my dangerous mood, he already knows why I feel the way I do. He also knows not to get into a position of defending the government and the world for stealing my freedom. Clever Teddy, he side steps it.

Instead Teddy approaches the problem from a different angle, one he knows will tickle my psychology degree and play on my appreciation for neurology. “…Cap’n you already know that the human brain has a biological part of it that doctors can touch and scoop out nicknamed the illusion maker…” Teddy knows I have read a lot about psychobiology.

Teddy continues the line of reasoning “… if we know from science that there is a part of your brain that is biologically designed to assign meaning to your sensory stimuli… to invent meaning to all the messy inputs your brain receives from its senses…”  clever approach Teddy.  “… this part of your brain literally makes shit up and adds them into your mental illusion of reality…. paints the picture of your perceptions with mostly invented approximations of the outside world…”  Teddy continues.

I groan… I know where this is going to lead. My problem is there is no good philosophical counter argument to the brilliance of his reasoning here. “… and cap’n…” Teddy continues down the tracks, further spelling it out for me unnecessarily  “… who owns your brain…? ” He is approaching his point and we both know it. “… well then… if you own your own brain… its yours… and you know part of it invents the illusion of reality…  just makes shit up… why don’t you just take it over…? control it with purpose..!” Teddy is triumphant but not finished with me yet. This is all magic of believing stuff I learned in my teenage years, the battle ground of all optimists whether they know it or not.

 

 

Teddy is relentless in my head, he continues  “… cap’n if your reality is that you are stuck trapped alone on your boat… you get to decide if it is a good thing or a bad thing…  you have an obligation to your own mental health to make the best of it…” Teddy’s voice is confident loud clear and strong now. He knows controlling the illusion maker does not cancel gravity or influence Apriori things, the ground optimists get lost in, but we both know it can reshape our inner emotional subjective experience of things.

I hate this reasoning because it requires so much self discipline on my part. Pretending your life is great is a lot easier if you have unlimited money freedom and friends. It takes a great deal of self mastery and control sit alone in a prison cell and smell the concrete and rejoice as if you were smelling roses. Controlling your inner narrative is easy enough, it takes a while for feelings to follow. Teddy is correct though, why makes things feel worse than you need to.

Make the best of your situation

Wisdom of the ages comes pouring thru my Teddy bear.

 

 

I go out into the cockpit to try to end this assault of logic and reason, I just want to wallow in self pity longer. I am so frustrated everyday I just want to scream. Teddy surprises me with his next approach. I get the feeling there is a flaw in his logic somewhere but it is difficult to pinpoint.

Teddy begins a new line of reasoning. “…cap’n… how do we define the center of something in geometry…?” he asks. As an engineer myself he is going after my mathematical reasoning now. We both know the answer, as he is already in my head, there is no reason for me to reply out loud. “… a center is defined as a point inside any shape or object that is equidistant from all sides…” Teddy answers anyway.

“… and Cap’n what shape is the universe… where are its edges…?” Teddy pushes me. We both know that the universe… as far as modern science is currently concerned is infinite… goes on for infinity in all directions. “…AHH HAH…!” exclaims Teddy, triumphant he has lead to me water “… so therefore it stands to reason that all points inside an infinite universe are all an equal distance from all edges…“. Ohhh good grief Teddy.

Teddy continues with his logical conclusion “… Therefore my good Captain… you are the center of the universe..!“. His logic getting here is sound. Can you find any flaw in his logic I wonder?

I think it’s possible Teddy might become a bad influence on me.

“… so my dear Captain…” Teddy continues in a voice now sounding similar to Sherlock holmes “… if we know that reality is mostly an illusion invented by the human brain every second and we know you are indeed the center of the universe….  craft your illusion of reality more wisely…!“. Teddy is triumphant. He knows I cannot take the easy way out with suicide. He knows my survivor spirit will always rise up when I fall, eventually anyway.

Teddy is pushing me up onto my feet again.

“…Time for self pity is finished..!” Teddy declares with great authority. “…Time to craft your reality more wisely even within the bounds of your tiny ocean kingdom Captain Lexi…“. Teddy has a very stern look on his face as he delivers this coup-de-gras. “… accept your reality and make the best of it Captain…!” Teddy righteously declares.

 

Teddy’s ironclad logic and consistent messages of wisdom and reason all week has finally worn down my defenses. My wall of self pity begins to crumble.

 

Making the Best of the Situation

I think a week of self pity has been enough now. It is time to get back up on my feet again. The ever present tropical heat has been killing me as usual. Yesterday though, there came an unexpected blessing from mother nature, the trade winds have returned.

 

 

Hurricane Larry had sucked the trade winds right out of the Caribbean for the last few weeks. Forcing a dead air, high pressure system, to hover over us. People do not realize I am closer to the equator than India or Thailand or Egypt or Texas or California or Saudi Arabia or Iraq or Vietnam. It is very hot here in the summers, but what is supposed to make it bearable is the lovely reliable breeze of the trade winds. Which have been noticeably absent lately. It rains several times a day and the humidity is terrible.

Well yesterday (Thursday Sept 16th 2021)  mom turned the trade winds back on again… so YAY for small miracles. I am still always naked and still tolerating the heat but at least there is a breeze again. Let’s hope it continues.

 

 

The return of the wind has also blessed me with the chance to move around again and not get heat stroke.

Where I am anchored currently is in the sunset shadow of the hills behind me. This gives me about an hour everyday between 5:30pm to 6:30pm in shade where I can play my Virtual Reality video games again up on the bow in the breeze. Video games help me get exercise and feel better emotionally. Having fun has that effect on me.

 

 

This usually causes me to work up a sweat again, but my mood gets better every time. After VR play time I go up on my deck with a drink, my little bluetooth speaker and blast the music into the darkness and look at the stars. Laying naked on deck in the dark, the breeze cools me down again, my body temperature becomes comfortable for the first time all day. I finally get relief from the brutal daytime heat.

 

 

I have even begun to dance naked up on the bow a few times, to vent out all my stress and release all bad energy from my soul. Dancing naked in the pale moonlight is ever so poetic a joy. I know what to do to heal my wounded soul. A break in the heat lets me do this.

 

Knowing the Limits

I understand that for billions of people on the planet struggling to survive, hearing me complain must irritate them. All of my basic needs are met, I have enough food and water, free shelter, and I have some security. After these basic human needs are met though, it is just not enough, humans need more than just basic necessities. Prisoners get these basic needs met yet prison is horrible…  why?

 

 

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a theory of motivation which states that five categories of human needs dictate an individual’s behavior. Those needs are physiological needs, safety needs, love and belonging needs, esteem needs, and self-actualization needs. Human beings need more than just food and shelter to thrive.

The next level of human needs are all social needs.

….and I live completely isolated and totally alone…

But I am a social girl… I like people…  I want to be around good people. I want to have conversations with people, share thoughts and feelings and ideas.

OKAY… I accept it… the Government of Grenada forbids me from leaving my boat. Limit understood. I accept this limit placed on me. There is nothing I can do about all of my social or intimate needs for the foreseeable future. Stuff em in a box.

But at the top of the pyramid is self actualization. Typically you cannot achieve this until all of your other lesser needs are met. I am forced to skip the middle parts and make the best of my situation within the limits placed upon me.

One of the things that brings me to life, that I enjoy, is writing. Writing and crafting the illusion of reality with words challenges me. I enjoy casting the illusion of reality one way or another with deliberate purpose. Writers get to choose the perspective they write from, thus explore many options.

 

 

Writing makes me happy. I have nothing better to do anyway. Writing is something I can do alone in the tropical heat on my yacht. I have begun writing a parable series for children. Friends have long said I should write children’s books, I am so good at explaining complicated things in simple words. I have decided to take up the challenge.

I have a book already written called “Sigma Wolf starts a Rebellion” which teaches the next generation how to reclaim their futures. The book is written at a reading level of about a ten year old so most adults should be able to read it too. I am just waiting forever for my artist to finish the sketches for it. Only 7 sketches left to go, so maybe I can get in published in about two more months, she works very slowly.

The current book is called “Life in the Rat Kingdom” and is about the social effects of morality on quality of life. Sort of teaches young people what good morals are, nobody seems to be teaching them these things anymore, and it will show them the cost of a future without them.

This book is a challenge for me to write because I am not so good at writing dialogue. I am expanding my writers quiver and learning new things. I will have to find an amateur artist soon to do the sketches for this new book. This will be a challenge for me as I am totally locked down alone still.

I do the best I can within the limits imposed upon me….

I am trying to adapt… to bend and flex…

I wonder though…  how will I know when I go insane out here…?

Teddy says to relax… he will tell me when i’m nuts…   but can I trust him implicitly..?

I am unsure…

 

its true… I admit it… I am going Shack Wacky out here alone…

Wild Captain Lexi

… reporting from the edge of the deep end I think…

………. trying not to scream …….