Well I have finally resolved things with my latest crew, she will be leaving in a week or so. I have decided that there is very little chance of her adapting to being good crew and my tolerance for being pushed around is rather low. It is unfortunate this did not work out very well but I remain ever optimistic and hopeful for the future, I am sure it is still possible to find good crew out there in the world somewhere and I still have time to try again. I have already placed ads searching for replacement crew.

 

 

 

Making Mistakes

After all the weird stuff on Friday, the total communication break down, I retreated into silence. I accepted that I had a stranger on my boat with whom communication was not possible, understanding was not possible. It was uncomfortable for me, and probably for her too. We were supposed to sail over to Deep bay that Friday but that sail plan got sunk by the interpersonal conflict that had arisen onboard. So I decided that on Saturday I would just solo sail over to deep bay and keep my new untrained uncooperative crew as a passenger, keep her out of my way and I will just do everything alone again.

The winds were approaching sporty last Saturday as I decided to raise the anchor alone, thus the reason I had wanted to leave the day before in the calmer winds. I had decided, just for fun, and unwisely, to try and sail off the anchor again. I had no other yachts anchored behind me and it would be all downwind to exit the anchorage. I guess I find it fun to challenge myself sometimes.

Victoria did put her lifejacket on and did, to her credit, break the silence to offer to help me, which I refused. She is still untrained, and cannot seem to listen, she doesn’t know anything yet as her education was halted just before the useful classes started. There is a lot of stuff that I have to concentrate on to solo sail, and attending a new baby sailor would only add to my stress level and, in all probability cause me to make extra mistakes when my focus gets split between her and the yacht. It was safer for her to just be a passenger that day.

I screwed this thing up and had to recover my mistake, which I did. The technique that I use to pull off a “sail off anchor” is to cantilever the anchor most of the way up, get to about a 2:1 scope, so it is almost ready to come up, then raise my mainsail. Then immediately after the mainsail is finished being raised, finish lifting the anchor and just let the yacht drift sideways and backwards towards open water. Once I finish quickly raising the rest of the anchor chain and get the anchor secured, I can run back to the helm and instruct auto what course to hold while downwind sailing towards deeper waters.

In theory… this is how it should go…

I had gotten the mainsail 80% raised, in winds 16-18 knots (read much too strong to be trying to pull this off in) when the anchor broke free early, before I was ready. So before I finished raising the mainsail, we were dragging our anchor and drifting downwind sideways thru the anchorage….

uh-ohh…    🙁

With 2 feet of water under my keel and still 100 meters between me and the nearest anchored yacht, I still had time to react. I knew the first thing was to get the anchor at least up and out of the water, it is unwise to drag an anchor thru an anchorage. Then I ran back to the helm and took manual control of the steering. WildChild had been sailing herself beam reach and towards the yacht anchored beside us instead of falling off downwind, sporty girl just wants to go. I switched her to running downwind towards open waters with her 80% raised, not set and not trimmed mainsail laying on the spreaders.

 

At this point I had two options, either… accept defeat and turn on the engine, use it to go-to-wind and finish raising my mainsail properly…  or be stubborn and proceed and conquer.

ha ha ha…  which option do you think Wild Captain Lexi chose…?

🙂

yep… never one to accept defeat easily, I knew I could still win.

I must say…  it was very difficult to finish raising the mainsail while under sail, sailing downwind, because it lays in the spreaders and does not want to haul up under load. My ingenious little plan was to bring my boom to center and keep it sheeted in fairly tight, but not too tight, then go dead downwind. This was almost close enough to work but not quite. I did bleed off some of the wind power, making the head lighter on the halyard but….  the batons were getting caught in the spreaders and lazy jacks as I lifted inch by inch.

NEW PLAN….  I started wobbling her downwind deliberately jibing port to starboard and back again, boom tight to center. Each time the mainsail began to cross, it would briefly be in the center position and I could quickly haul as fast as I could in those few seconds. I think I had to do this about 4 times to finish getting it hauled up and then I could run forward and finish trimming the sail.

LEXI WINS…!   🙂   🙂   🙂

 

The sail down to deep bay was mostly uneventful after that. I pulled out 70% genny and we beam reached most of the way in borderline sporty winds 18-21 knots. The last bit of the sail was close hauled with a last short tac to get in upwind into the bay.

I made a few other mistakes too that I am not proud of. I passed out 8 times during the short sail, and I accept complete responsibility for this. I did not eat the entire day before. Friday, during the conflicts with Victoria, it so emotionally upset me I lost all appetite and could not eat a thing. I also could not sleep that night either, I lay awake all night so emotionally bothered by the failure happening around me, desperately seeking a solution. I even tried to use melatonin 4 times throughout the night to help push me over the edge into dream land to no avail. I had been depleting my body for 24 hours before I decided to do this difficult thing alone, I also refused Victoria’s help, although I am unsure if she would have been able to usefully help at all, I could have tried to let her help.

I knew all this and still tried to pull off this very difficult feat anyway.

So me passing out 8 times on that short 1.5 hour sail is completely my fault.

BAD GIRL….  BAD LEXI…    🙁

 

 

The Resolution

Once we arrived in deep bay I got WildChild safely to anchor again and Victoria and I stayed quiet with each other. By now she might have either thought me amazingly strong or really stupid, I am unsure which. Mostly I think she did not understand anything that was happening during the sail.

I was still faced with the dilemma of what to do with this girl on my boat. The next day, after eating and sleeping and taking care of my bodies physical needs, I addressed it. How does one communicate with a person who is a terrible listener and has a closed mind, who will react aggressively to anything I say…    hmmm…      this is the problem I had been obsessed with for the last 24 hours.

Let us give Victoria credit, let us assume she also knew that something was wrong and let us assume she also wanted to find a resolution. I assumed she had also been reflecting on Fridays conflict and possibly could help see where things went wrong and maybe she might want to help find a solution. I am probably just as difficult for her to understand as she is for me to understand.

Mid morning I was sitting on the side deck peacefully looking at the hills beside us. Victoria came up on deck too for a bit. I had placed a second cushion on deck beside me, and after 5 minutes motioned for her to please sit down beside me. I think a good way to try and approach communication with someone very defensive and automatically aggressive in their reactions is to be very careful to not be perceived as threatening to them.

I sat quietly beside her for 5 minutes making only the occasional polite gentle friendly comments about the weather and our common surroundings. She responded in kind, she reflected my calmness back. This seemed like progress. I now know that she will automatically take any direct thing I say about our problem in a defensive way, so I did not approach the problem directly.

I laid out two simple sentences into the universe and left them to see how she might react to them….

I asked her if she knew about ancient Chinese philosophy, she said no not much.

I said simply…  “there was once an ancient Chinese philosopher who said that ‘either the reeds bend in the wind or they break’… “.

I let that sit for a minute and she did not reply and did not get defensive about it. So that was a good sign.

I broke the silence a few minutes later and softly said into the wind…  “…it seems really unwise to go as a guest and live in someone else’s home and offend your host…”  and let that trail off into the wind. I then retreated and went to sit in the cockpit.

This seemed to open Victoria up. She spoke up. Communication now open again.

We began to talk and for the first time she was willing to listen. I was always careful with my words and chose every word carefully. I listened to everything she had to say and tried to make sure she felt heard. Things did sort of start to improve… but we are still very different people, she is still very sure of herself as always being right.

If there was anyway for this to still work… to be salvaged… for hope to be resurrected, I still wanted to try. I know that there is a nice person inside Victoria, when she is not defensive and aggressive she is lovely to be around. We talked for half an hour then I went below to review our conversation in my head, deep listen and process all that she had said.

 

 

I texted with friends for advice. It was pretty unanimous she has to go but still I did not want to accept defeat or failure. I can get along with almost anyone, it must be possible for me and this girl to find a way forward.

There were a few key things that helped me make up my mind…

The code incident… 

On Friday, the morning before the big conflict, she had really offended me.

I secretly happen to have the shower code for the Jolly Harbour showers. A friend had given it to me and said not to share it with anyone and do not get noticed using their facilities. So sometimes, when things are quiet I can slip into the marina showers and get a lovely civilizing nice shower. Technically I am not allowed to use the locked facilities as I am not a paying guest of the marina. I have no right to use their facilities at all. But maybe once a month I sneak in and have a shower on the sly.

On the previous Tuesday Victoria was asking me if we could use the showers on shore, she wanted a shower. So We did, we went to shore, and I unlocked the shower for her and let her use it. I was being very kind.

So Friday morning, when I announced that I was going to go to shore again to dump the garbage before we left to go sailing she said she was coming with me, I said sure.

Then later she came to me and said..  “give me the code..!” just like that. She demanded of me what she wanted.

At first I had no idea what she was talking about, she communicates like a man, lots of muttering and very few complete sentences. Once she told me that she was going to shower and reiterated her demand that I was going to give her the code I was a bit shocked. There is a commanding demanding way about her.

I said “no.. I will not give you the code but if you want a shower we can work it out..”

 

People should not mistake my softness for weakness

 

She began arguing with me to convince me to submit to her and give her what she wants. I sat there listening in shock to a child making demands to me. What was she trying to accomplish..? The captain said “no” it was pretty clear, to be making demands of the Captain is amazingly incorrect behaviour. So I said to her “.. I am not sure if you are trying to get me to change my mind but I already told you NO..!” my voice soft but my words firm.

She then retorted with “I did not know you were such a control freak… well if you are going to be like that about it then…” and she walked away in a huff.

I was extremely insulted and very offended.

 

 

But this is her way… this is a classic example of how she acts, it seems childish to me, hard for me to deal with.

When we were discussing this incident on deck in deep bay later, she had been pushing me for examples of how she could have possibly offended me, I had told her of the code incident and said “that kind of conduct was rather uncivilized and unacceptable“. She immediately twisted up my words and she heard… that I was calling her an uncivilized person and she immediately began to get defensive and attack on it. There was a weird way she twists things up that is hard for me to understand. I said her behaviour in that instance was uncivilized… she twisted to hear I was judging her as a person, calling her, as a person, uncivilized. She said I was such a rude and insulting person to her, she is good at projecting. She also said I was the one being rude to her in the code example and I was the one being mean to her now, clearly I was being rude then and now.

…this weird twisting things up…  hmmm…

In another sentence I had told her that when I said “NO” during the code incident she should have just submitted and said “okay”… or maybe be polite and ask why and listen to my answer.

She then went off on me saying that she will never be subservient… and if I am expecting her to be subservient I can just forget it.

I said she needs to learn how to submit to the captain

she heard I expect her to be subservient…

…so much twisting… these are very different words with very different meanings.

This girl is very different than I am but still I thought that now that she was actually beginning to listen a little bit there was still hope.

My decision to remove her was made after more consideration about something else she twisted up.

When discussing the Friday communication break down…  her version of reality was… that I was trying to control her and that I was “abusive” to her… that’s why she shut down the communication… shut me out. She was not going to let me “abuse” her. She was 100% adamant and certain that I was abusing her, no other way to see it.

I literally had looked her in the eye on that day and said… “Victoria you are acting like a rude and aggressive American on my boat and you need to stop pushing me around and dominating me… you need to listen and follow“. Not yelling and not angry but loud and clear. I thought I was communicating in her language and in a way she might be able to hear and understand, I was trying to speak American.

This twisting of words and meanings of words shocks me and makes me very fearful of people like this. Elena was like this. Poor me everyone is mean to me I am always the victim… Victoria it seems has a chip on her shoulder and a victim complex. This is extremely dangerous for me.

Her use of the word “abusive” to describe me just talking to her in a clear direct way, I was mirroring her at the time actually …     is gaslighting. And this I will not tolerate.

I know what abuse is… I am probably the most abused person you have ever met. I have lived thru incredible and extreme abuse, bad childhood. I still have PTSD from all the abuse I have survived. So for her to twist up the definition of the word abuse… and let’s use the dictionary definition here…

 

 

She is gaslighting me and this is very dangerous for me. If her brain is designed to see herself perpetually as the victim and everyone else therefore is her abusers and oppressors… she will cast me into the role of her abuser no matter what I say or do. For her to try and turn me into an “ABUSER”  nope… no thank you… I don’t need any part of that.

Calling me abusive and an abuser is really offensive.

and….  if she thinks me speaking to her assertively and clearly is abusive… what will she think when we are sailing and shit gets real very fast and I actually have to yell at her. For sure… 100% … when sailing on the ocean, if you do stupid things, if you are not listening, if you are doing something dangerous, or not doing something that needs to be done immediately, if the captain needs to get you to focus and help the team… for sure the captain will yell at you buttercup.

Some crew will automatically react to their hurt feelings and drown out the yacht and the ocean to focus on their feelings in that instant. There is no time for this stupidity on a sailing yacht. The ocean is serious business and there is no time for your feelings when sailing. You have to be able to be tough and swallow your feelings, focus on the yacht, think clearly and follow the captain even under duress, especially under duress. This girl will be unable to do either and will only tell the world the story of abusive captain Lexi later. 

NOPE… NOT GONNA HAPPEN… 

SHE HAS TO GO

So decision made. I told her yesterday to book a flight for sometime next week. I do respect that she did fly here at her own expense and I don’t want to be mean to her or take advantage of her. So we will spend another week together, I will take her to enjoy beautiful coco beach Barbuda soon, I took her snorkeling yesterday to see lobsters. She will at the very least get a free 2 week vacation out of this experience and hopefully we can at least be professional and polite to each other for another week. I have returned half of the money she gave me for food for a month, so pro rated it for two weeks of food while she is here onboard.

 

 

Being Good Crew

She did surprise me yesterday by telling me that I did not set the expectations clearly before she came. She is right about that. I had a bunch of assumptions about people who would come to be crew that I did not specifically lay out for her. It surprises me that these things need to be said, but it seems apparent they do need to be said.

So here we go…. for anyone who is ever thinking about coming out into the ocean to crew on any yacht ever….

• SUBMIT to the captain… if there are two competing versions of reality on the boat swallow yours. If the captain thinks the sail needs to be reefed… submit and follow… you don’t even have an opinion so don’t offer it unless asked. Just as you can do whatever you want with your car… so too the captain can do whatever they want with their boat, right or wrong. The captain leads everyone else follows, very basic. A ship can only have 1 captain.
• Do Not EVER Argue with the captain… you don’t have to agree with everything the captain thinks says or does… but its their boat… and unless they are endangering your life or being extreme… just let your version of reality slip to the side… there is a time place and polite way to address anything you might think needs to be spoken about later.
• Listen and follow…  the worst crew are always those that try to lead from behind… play weird little games to get control over the captain and the boat… don’t tell the captain where to go or when or how to get there unless they ask you for your vote. Do not try to change the way things run on the yacht. If the Captain asks you to do something just do it. Crew’s job is to follow the Captain… so follow.
• DO NOT EVER give commands to the Captain… this amazes me that I have to say it, but crew does not command the captain or lay down the law with the captain. You do not come onto someone else’s boat and tell them how its gonna be. (hint hint Victoria)
• Try to be helpful… a lot of people view this crewing thing as a free ride… a free vacation… people pay $5000- $10,000 dollars a week to charter a yacht for this same experience. Your time on the boat is not “free” even if there is no money exchanging hands. CREW is a job to help the captain and the yacht… you are there to be helpful… so have an attitude of how can I help you Captain… how can I be part of the team? You can literally say.. “is there anything I can do to help captain?“. You should have an attitude of helpfulness.
• The Captain decides how they need you to be helpful, not you. The Captain sees the big picture, knows what needs to be done, knows how all the pieces fit together even if you don’t see it. The captain is the decider of what they need help with… not you. Do not come onto a boat with a list of decrees of… “I will do this and not do that“. You do not decide what help is needed, the Captain does.
• Be polite… just make effort to be kind… try to chose your words nicely, try not to hurl insults to get your way like a child throwing a fit.
• Be forgiving… maybe you will perceive things in a bad way… but before you flip out and react, extend patience love and forgiveness to the other person… assume a good explanation before you jump to a bad one. I get that there are a lot of bad and idiot “Captains” out there… but it doesn’t matter… its their boat. If the captain says something mean or stupid reacting to it will not make things better… try forgiveness first. In my case I probably innocently have no idea my words could be misinterpreted in a bad way, I never intend harm.
• Be flexible… understand you are entering someone else’s world… if they like the dishes done right after the meal then don’t argue just do it the captains way. The Captain does not have to flex… you the crew do.
• Be a respectful house guest… understand you are in someone else’s home…. right or wrong its not your job to fix or change the captain. Never go onto someone else boat and begin rearranging their stuff and reorganizing their shit no matter how messy or slobby they are. Conversely do not go into a clean boat and make a mess and be a slob.
• Shared food… if you want to chip into the food kitty to help pay for the food… you are also agreeing to help make prepare carry and clean up the food. Alternating cooking days is normal and expected. You have to help carry your fair share equally. Don’t be a burden on other people be an asset not a liability. Talk about and come to an agreement with everyone onboard. Maybe one person likes doing all the cooking so maybe you can do the dishes.
• RESPECT water and energy on a yacht. You are not on land anymore with unlimited access to these things. Sailboats are very careful about these things. Water is precious… every drop. Electricity has to be created… every electron…  gas for the stove can be hard to find and of limited supply. Sailors can be super sensitive about these things…. you need to be too. Violating this rule will definitely get under a Captain’s skin fast… unless the yacht is a dock queen owned by a rich person.
• There is only one way on a yacht… and its the Captain’s way. If the Captain wants the ropes coiled with a right hand twist say yes sir… if she wants a left hand twist say no problem. Sailboats are very complicated things with many moving parts. The Captain probably does things for a reason… two years ago that broke because… so now I always… to protect it…   If you are curious you can ask, you might be surprised at the answer. We do almost everything for a reason, even if you cannot see it or do not understand it.
• Swallow it… I get it… we are all human… we all have ups and downs… we all know this… but if you are having a bad day try to keep it under control. A sailboat is a very small place we have no space from each other. If you are in a pissy mood and feel like yelling at people… swallow it… just shut the fuck up… go in your room and read a book or watch a movie on your tablet until it passes. Just try to focus on the sunshine tomorrow and get past the darkness today. The Captain should not be pissy with you though either.
• Do not be selfish. The world no longer revolves around you no matter what your mommy told you. The world now revolves around the needs of the yacht and the safety of the yacht and crew, even the captain answers to this. The captain should never have to end a sentence with “if it pleases your royal highness“.
• Adrenaline and fear… we all handle it differently… but if you do not react well under stress… DO NOT CREW…  I tell people all the time I can teach you to sail but I cannot teach you to be tough or brave… and you need to be both to be on a sailboat. This especially includes emotionally tough, suck it up buttercup and take it like a man.

If these things become unbearable on a boat, like begin making you extremely unhappy, you always have the choice to leave the boat. You are not forced to be crew you are choosing it, you can un-chose it, lots of crew do all the time. Remember the Captain can also un-chose you too.

Sometimes I have to literally look my crew in the eyes and command them…  “submit” when they are fighting against me. Or I have to say “swallow it” when their feelings are hurt and they want to throw a fit. I do not want to have to yell at you… so don’t make me have to yell at you… listen and follow… try to be part of the team. Mistakes will always be forgiven for crew with a good attitude. Bad attitude will get you quickly removed from the vessel.

This is by no means an exhaustive list but it surprises me I have to tell people to be polite and respectful when they come on my boat.

Really…

well… by the time this releases I will probably be sailing to Barbuda. Hopefully this coming week goes nicely and Victoria and I can at least be friends.

I do not look forward to being alone again… but I am getting used to it.

too bad this didn’t work…  I really wanted it to work.

I really hoped it would work.

I cannot make it work. No force will fix change or flex Victoria into adapting to a way of life so different than anything she has ever encountered before.

A way of life she is unsuited to. She is just NOT a submissive person, she is extremely dominant and certain of herself. She is pushy and rude too, this doesn’t work for the job of crew, and pushy and rude is really a terrible way to be around me specifically. I might be soft but I am very hard to push around, I am amazingly strong inside. Bad attitude has gotten Victoria asked to leave my yacht.

Are there any civilized sailors out there who want to come crew for me in July… really… I need help to get down to Grenada soon.

Cheers sailors

 

Captain Lexi…

 

… today the slightly depressed but trying to make the best of her situation…

………………….  again  ……..

🙂