Well I have indulged myself in plenty of pity and complaining lately and it is time for all that to end. Enough wallowing in my own misfortunes. Time to pull myself up by my bootstraps. Get my head set right on my shoulders… and move forward.
The universe is a funny place… God ….or… my spirit guides … or… the great spirit… or … the universal energy…. whatever you believe… sometimes our lives get pushed in ways and directions we never imagined and sometimes do not agree to. I am a Christian so I think God has pushed my life in this direction and I can only pray it is for good things to come my way not bad things.
I am here… where I am… and suddenly this decision has been made for me.
The good / bad news is…. Michel has been looking for his own boat since the big fight (that got him kicked out)… and yesterday he found it. Michel is leaving the boat on Wednesday and I will now be alone. Michel’s plane ticket is booked and he is moving to his own boat… it is somewhere in Florida. I am buying Michel out. I will be the sole owner of this big boat. It will be all my responsibility.
I do not get to make this decision anymore… it has been made for me. As of Wednesday afternoon I will officially be alone on WildChild. HOLY CRAP… this is really about to happen… this is about to be my reality… the universe has decided. Time to face my fears head on.
I hardly slept at all last night. It is really hard to sleep when your life is in transition and all turned upside down. I know this is turning the page in my life… I have lived a hard complicated life and I have faced many new chapters in the past… this is not my first time at the brink of something unknown and new like this. But aside from being kicked out of the house at 17 to be homeless and living on the streets…. this is the biggest change I have ever had to deal with.
My spirit wrestles with my logical brain and my emotional brain.
_____________
So logically…. I am on a FABULOUS yacht… WildChild is very well equipped and very strong and very safe… I own her outright… I have no mortgage. I owe the bank nothing for her. Free and clear and all mine. That sounds good. I also have enough money in the bank to not have to worry about expenses right now.
I wanted to go sailing long before I met Michel… so something in my spirit used to want to be here. I am safely at anchor in Marsh harbor Bahamas… the weather is almost always great, warm, gentle winds, gentle waves, and blue skies, clear beautiful waters… people pay like $7000 a week to charter a boat to do exactly this.
I am kind of in paradise… if I am going to be alone on this big boat… this is a pretty good place to face it.
I have an ad on a website looking for crew… and the good news is… there are lots of awesome people willing to come crew with me. I have been speaking with a few great people who would be interested in joining me in paradise for free. So I can easily replace Michel with someone better. I don’t have to stay alone on the boat… the problem can be easily solved.
_________________________
The emotional side of my brain says…
AaaaahhhhhhHHHHH! THIS IS TERRIFYING…! HOLY CRAP… 911 I AM SO SCARED… SOMEONE COME SAVE ME… PROTECT ME… HELP ME…. AaaahhhhHHH. Holy crap I’m scared to death.
I never wanted this… I don’t agree to this… I don’t want this… this is being forced upon me… This is not my plan… I don’t like being outside the plan… I like to set my parameters, set what I am comfortable with in my life and stay within those limits. We are way outside the limits of my comfort zone.
but also…. there is a side of me… that feels incredibly relieved. The abuse is over.. done. I’d rather live alone than with an abusive man. I have lived alone many times in my life and I am very comfortable living alone, I am comfortable with myself. When I live alone I am a calm and peaceful person… I smile more and laugh and be silly. I am a calm person… very mellow and thoughtful and curious about the world around me. The real me will come back to life soon…. the bad me that has been here for the last few months as a reaction to the pressure of Michel on my shoulders 24/7 is going to fade away.
____________________
If we were living on land I would have broken up with Michel years ago. I would have had no fear at all of ending the bad and living alone on land. I would have no fear of going out to find a new apartment. So this is pretty much the same thing… ish… It is an apartment on the water always at the edge of danger and near an earthquake (getting tossed by waves).
So if we remove the “boat related dangers” out of the equation… I am single again… I am alone…. I am safe… I am in safe harbor… I am in the Caribbean…. I am on a comfortable and safe boat… I am a great Captain… I have amazing experience on the Ocean… I have a proven track record… I am free…. My life is actually good… I am living the dream… other people would LOVE to be in my place.
So i try to calm my emotional brain down with logic and reason… deep breathing…. later some meditating… Time to take stock… look forward… and deal with this.
I am looking for crew… I need to bring someone on the boat who is kind and easy to get along with… who is intelligent… who can learn… who will listen and follow the captain not fight and resist… Who will help the boat… be an asset… Someone who is calm… mellow.. kind… A non-smoker…
I will let them have the bedroom (V-Berth) so they will have their own space…. We can be roommates in paradise living cheap and free to adventure together. We can look forward together and allow new adventures to come our way.
When there is no crew… and I am alone… can I face it…? am I strong enough…? brave enough..? maybe. We are all going to find out together I guess.
Worst case scenario I walk away cold abandon the boat and go home… if it gets too dangerous or bad or I hate it…. I can always eject.
Time to get my monies worth out of this dream and this boat.
but if she sells… great… I will still eject in a second… but until that becomes an option… let’s do this crazy thing… !
Cheers
Lexi