Dear Diary…. Yesterday there was emotional conflict on the boat between Elena and I, and I feel terrible about it. I’m not sure what to do to make things better.
Yesterday we were sailing under sunny skies from Nassau across the bank to Highborn Cay in the Exumas. The sailing conditions were actually pretty good. We were able to maintain a wind angle of around 50 degrees in winds around 8-10 knots, so WildChild was sailing along nicely.
The scary part came when we had to cross the shallow areas full of unmarked coral heads and small reefs, an area full of rocks in 12 feet of water. With WildChilds 8 foot draft our keel was often only 4 feet above the bottom… if we passed over a rock bigger than 4 feet tall it would have spelled a very bad day for us very quickly.
We handled it well as a team though, I stayed at the helm and watched the mast camera image and steered the course and Elena went up to the bow to spot the coral and shout back course corrections. Working as a team we did a great job and safely navigated our girl thru the danger zone.
Later in the day we were together at the helm, as usual and enjoying an easy day sailing. We had the fishing rod out trolling for dinner and us girls were just talking together at the helm. Well… given that I am a talker and very extroverted and Elena is a listener and very introverted… mostly I talk and she listens. It works for us.
I often just sing and dance and act silly in my boredom or babble about whatever random thing enters my mind… sometimes I tell amusing stories from my past… sometimes I chat about philosophy or history or science or humanity… just whatever enters my mind.
Well yesterday…. my mind wandered into how naive I can be around people. I am such an open person, I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I am so trusting of people, always assuming the good in them… I tend to take people at their word. I believe what they say. I just accept their words at face value. It is just who I am…. but sometimes it makes me gullible.
I then went on to babble about how Monkey had so thoroughly fooled me 3 years ago. He pretended to be someone he wasn’t and I totally fell for it. Even after a year when there were signs that who he appeared to be did not match his actions… I allowed myself to believe his convincing words that maintained his chosen image.
I further went on to speculate that what if you (Elena) were maybe just mirroring me, and I was right now holding a false image of who you are? I see Elena as my best friend and such an amazing human being. I love having her on the boat with me as more than just my crew. We get along so perfectly together… we seem to fit together so perfectly…. but what if she is just making the best of her situation because her own welfare depends on it? How can I tell the difference? Am I seeing her for who she really is? OR am I seeing what I want to see?
Elena does not talk much… she does not share stories of her past very often, she is very closed about her past. She never talks about things like her favourite TV shows or music or friends. She appears to enjoy any and all music I play on the boat.. she likes all the TV shows I watch… She seems to like everything I like. So either she is the perfect best friend for me or she is mirroring me.
I intended nothing bad in the thoughts…. I held no malice or anger in the musings… just open curiosity spoken out loud. If I was so naive about Monkey… am I being naive about Elena? How can I protect myself from being naive?
It didn’t matter… I soon saw a look in her eyes… from the kick in the stomach I accidentally just gave her. She didn’t say anything… she just had a look of pain in her eyes. I knew immediately I had stepped onto bad ground.
As soon as we had the anchor set an hour later she went downstairs to lay on the couch and watch TV. After 10 minutes she got up to go to her room and close the door to be alone… I saw tears on her cheeks. I had hurt her much worse than I had imagined.
I could say nothing… Elena is introverted and the introvert rules say that they need space and alone time to process their feelings. Elena is also very German which means very closed off about her emotions… in her culture they are a private matter… not to be prodded by others. I felt terrible.
She did not come out for dinner… she stayed alone in her room from like 6pm last night until after I had raised the anchor alone this morning and got WildChild underway around 9:30am.
I felt just awful all night and wanted to just knock on her door and beg forgiveness on my knees. I had intended no harm but I had certainly landed like an elephant in a china shop… I had caused much damage with my words. I am extroverted… it is my teams way to talk out problems and discuss everything out in the open… face it head on and make amends…. my instincts to talk out this problem were overwheleming…. but I could not. I MUST respect her ways… I must respect her…. I must give her space and leave her alone.
Today she came up smiling as always… and joined me at the helm as we got WildChild out the channel into the Exuma sound and heading south. Right now we are sailing along in very light winds and calm conditions. The sun is shining and WildChild is beam reaching in 3-5 knots of wind making between 2-3 knots SOG heading 170 degrees south. Conditions are pleasant and Elena makes no mention of “the incident” yesterday. The elephant in the room is killing me… I desperately want to listen to her and hear from her what she felt yesterday… what she had perceived… her version of the elusive illusion of reality…. BUT…. I cannot bring it up… If she chooses to push it away I must respect her…
I guess I have to swallow my own feelings and allow things to get back to normal. I will likely never know how much harm I have caused between us… I have no way of knowing if it is ever truly healed or goes away.
I hope only that we are okay again… I hope she chooses to continue to sail with me on WildChild… (I need her more than she needs me)…. I pray to God and ask his forgiveness for hurting one of his children and hope Elena forgives me for causing her harm.
I am truly sorry.
Captain Lexi….
The somber and the worried today….