Remember that nasty sail upwind in the ten foot waves for 30 hours to reach Barbados…? Well it seems we had more boat damage than we thought. It cost me $200usd to get the genny repaired in Barbados, but what we didn’t notice until the last sail to here in Grenada was that we also fractured both of the main arch support poles. We noticed halfway here, but as we were running in gentle ocean swells from behind I was not panicked about it at the time. It was certainly high priority on the to-do list for our time here in Prickley bay Grenada though.
Monday WildChild went into the docks at the boat yard to meet up with her welder hero Joshua, we just love this guy. He is like a prince among welders, great at what he does, he does GREAT work, and he is smart about it too. I brought him to the boat and showed him the problem. This is the second time the poles have failed at this spot and the third time i am getting my arch repaired. What has become clear is that this is an engineering design failure on my part. Captain Lexi’s bad. So I figured lets bring other minds into finding the new solution to the problem. And… as Tim Taylor from the famous TV show called tool time has taught me…. bigger better more power… argh argh argh… (insert manly grunting).
Oh and this is an interesting side story. See in the background the shoreline on the left side of the image…? Well just around that slight corner… we found this on our way in.
I know that morally it is not exactly positive thinking to stare at car accidents… to watch like a ghoul in fascination… and this is not my intention. Here is what always interests me, what is the story behind this evidence? You can see that the bimini canvas is still in pretty good shape. The decks are still in good shape and the little sea creatures have only just begun their hostile take over of this yacht. It looks to be about a 36-38 footer. Obviously at some point was well loved and cared for. This was someone’s dream. Someone put a lot of money into this boat and their hopes and dreams to chase the Caribbean dream life. Yet here lies their dream in ruins. I am itching with curiosity… what happened? It was not hurricane damage. It seems recent enough to have been within the last few months. Maybe the boat broke loose from a mooring and drifted into the shallows? Maybe a sea cock valve failed in the night and the boat just sank…?
These are the stories that seldom ever get told on YouTube videos. These sights of lost vessels are the constant reminder to those of us brave enough to be out here sailing that the dangers are real… and around every corner… yachts really do die out here… bad shit really does happen out here.
” … and there but by the grace of God go I … “
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Healing WildChild
Well… anyways… as to healing WildChild…
So for those of my friends that are mechanically minded and curious about my problem… here are some details.
When I was getting WildChild ready for this adventure I worked long and hard and poured everything I own into this girl. As she spent her life as a race boat she did not have davits or a radar arch. She never needed one before.
I did try to find a stainless steel welder and make arrangements for a big proper strong thick heavy arch to be made, but I was informed the only guy around able to do such things was booking 2 years into the future and he kindly informed me the cost would be around $6000 – $7000cdn. I had neither that amount of “extra” money to spend or the time to wait.
I designed built this arch myself (with welding help from friends) so all responsibility for its failures are completely mine. My first mistake was I did not ask about… or understand.. that in the world of steel pipes there are thin walled pipes and thick walled pipes. My main support pole is a thin walled inch and half diameter pipe. So it is not super strong.
Thank heavens I had a thick walled 1 inch diameter pipe inserted in the middle of the outter pole for extra strength and support, this has saved me twice now from total failure.
The Davits are Atkins and Hoyle aluminum Davits rated for like 1500lbs pressure per pole. When I installed them I put lotsa extra fiberglass and wood and steel backing plates behind the main mounts. Pretty much the whole back half of the boat will have to rip off before these fall off.
But still… there is a lot of pressure on those arms with a 200 pound dinghy up there swinging around in the waves. So being extra cautious I put an extra support cable from the elbow of the Davits to bear “extra” shock load force into the arch support poles.
Well… if you look closely at the diagram above… see my second mistake…? I put the eye loop for the cable attachment point above where the side support attaches to the main poles. This has caused a severe pressure spot on the pole just above the solid inflexible side support point and the flexible load attachment point. Sure there is some amount of sway in the pole but when the load gets too high… it keeps fracturing right thru at this stress point. Second time now. So it is clear I cannot just get them welded again and just be on my way. I need a better solution.
See in my original design this support cable was only supposed to help absorb shock loads. What I have recently discovered has been my third big mistake… was that I did not take into consideration the flex of the davits. When I setup the cable lengths I made them about 10mm longer than the space between the davits and arch. This way once the davits began to flex outwards more than 10mm the cable would begin to resist the force of the load.
What I apparently did not get right… was without the cables on… when I just lift up the dinghy on the davits… the davits flex outward an incredible 150mm – 200mm…! just basic fiberglass flex from the support point.
Which means… that my shock load cable was actually bearing almost all of the force to the arch poles…! Whoops… my bad… and I keep paying for these engineering mistakes. So this time lets see what we can change to prevent anymore future failures.
Step #1 has been to move the eye loop down. Let us remove the stress point. So now we have an eye loop welded just below where the horizontal support pole attaches to the main pole.
Step #2 was to put a wedge plate welded into the space to add extra strength to this weld joint. The more steel the better. We do not want this joint to fail next.
Step #3 was to weld the fractures back together but we know that they have to be made stronger. This thin walled pipe just seems to lack the necessary strength and the repair welds will not likely be stronger than the original pipe. This is where Joshua’s metal genius kicked in, thank you Joshua. He thought about the problem for a while and said don’t worry I have an idea. He went to his shop and found a piece of 2″ diameter pipe, cut a length about 14″ long and then cut it lengthwise. His plan was to make a thick walled sleeve to weld over the entire area.
You can see from the image above that he even drilled holes along the middle length to create extra weld spots. Joshua put the sleeves into a big bench vise and squeezed them to get a snug fit on my 1.5″ poles. These sleeves now fit just more than halfway around the main poles and he welded the crap out of them. Beautiful welding there is no freakin way this can possibly fail again.
Step #4 has been… when I made up the new shock load cables… i made them with the dinghy on the davits this time to set the lengths. This way the davits are taking the full weight of the dinghy (with both the motor on and the gas can in). The new shock load cables are now set to be 5mm longer than this flexed space distance.
I also know how prolific rust is out here in the ocean. I have written tirades in past about how fast everything I own rusts out here. Welds tend to rust super fast. There is no way I want to lose structural integrity mr. LaForge due to rust… so I bought this very expensive rust inhibitor steel water tight high tec paint for the poles and welds, but it was a boring grey color. Everyone that knows me knows that Lexi is pink obsessed so after 3 coats of the rust paint was applied I spruced it up with a little pink over coating, well… because pink is so pretty.
So now the cables are the proper length to only absorb shock loads… and they are attached lower on the main pole and the main pole is much much stronger.
Problem solved… Captain Lexi wins again…
lets just see what mother nature has to say about my repair… the ocean is a nasty nasty place.
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Healing the Captain
This is more personal and I am not sure how much I can tell my journal. My soft and gentle heart is broken again, I have a crew problem again.
If you are watching the YouTube video of Elena and I sailing in the Bahamas last summer you will see that we made an awesome team together. We just fit together and we had an awesome time together. We became more than just roommates… more than just captain and crew… more than just best friends…
The spirit and energy of mutual support and cooperation between us was a precious and delicate flower we each nurtured everyday. The atmosphere on WildChild was so beautiful and kind and gentle and supportive. This was one of the happiest times of my life.
Things were so good between us I decided to maybe just continue the adventure.. “…just a little further…” before I quit. Last May Elena made me a a promise not to abandon me or the boat. The agreement was that if we sail further south (away from home) to have an adventure together she will not abandon me alone on the boat, she would stick it out with me.
If you have been following you know that when we decided together to park the boat in the best hurricane hole in the Caribbean (Luperon) Elena suddenly and without a word of warning booked a plane ticket home without telling me and abandoned me alone on the boat. To say I was upset is an understatement.
But she came back and she promised never to abandon me or the boat again. Again she urged let us just go a little further south we are so close to the Caribbean why wouldn’t we take this opportunity to go see it, live the dream. So I relented and further from home we sailed south.
Without getting into too much personal detail though… when Elena came back from Germany she came back a different person. She was changed somehow.
I have mentioned before that Elena is bipolar. Untreated she refuses to acknowledge she has a problem or needs help, she ignores it. In the Bahamas I got to sail with my best friend the wonderful human being good Elena for about 16-22 days in a row before her pendulum swung down and bad Elena came out for a few moody cold and silent few days. It was confusing for me but it seemed if I just gave her space and let her completely ignore my existence for 2-3 days she would come back. It wasn’t a bad deal… more good than bad.
But when Elena came home from Germany she has been up for only 2-3 days and then down for 2-3 days, the manic depressive cycle has been much higher in frequency. It has puzzled and confused me, confounded me, hurt me, left me reeling by its sudden and extreme mood swings from my friend. It is terrible to watch her suffer thru this needlessly. I can see when she is down her brain hurts so badly tears are silently streaming down her cheeks all day. She suffers needlessly.
People in Luperon used to try and engage her in conversation and just be baffled by her silent blank stare. What kills me is that there are meds for this.. she doesn’t have to suffer like this… she just stubbornly refuses help.
Also Elena, by her very nature being Elena, is a silent human being. She was raised in a silent family that seldom ever talk to each other. This is her culture and upbringing, but not mine.
What is so very difficult about my relationship with this girl is that she is so silent she does not share or talk about feelings or thoughts. When she decided to go home to Germany a few months ago she did it entirely in her own head without even discussing it with me.
The reason she got kicked off the boat in Culbra 6 weeks ago was that her mood swings were so severe and so wild I could not live with it anymore, and she did something off the charts selfish and bad. I told her to go home and get help from a doctor. She refused and cried and begged to stay. She said we could go to Barbados to get a US visa and she will help bring WildChild home. She promised yet again that she would not abandon me or the boat if we committed to going further south, so I relented.
Well about 3 weeks ago, as we were sailing to Barbados she decided she was going to India for a friends wedding at the end of January. Done, period, end of sentence, Elena has decided and I get no say in the matter. She is abandoning the boat yet again. This is her bipolar nature. She oscillates between 2 extremes.
This time however… i have learned… this is unhealthy for me… her condition is just ripping me apart and, following the wise advice from my friend Kim, now it is time for me to do what is best for me.
I told her a few days ago that when she books her flight to India… she will not be booking a return ticket. She is not coming back to WildChild. She needs help and she needs to go home to Germany to get it. What just amazes me is that Elena does not contribute to food or expenses anymore because she tells me she has no money. So I pay for everything out of my dwindling savings… but she has like $6000 to fly to India for a week of fun…? I just don’t get it.
Elena is leaving the boat for good soon. Our shared adventure together is over, it is done now. I do not know what the future holds for me. I am very far from home and I will be all alone soon. I am scared again and very lost. Again my life’s path was not supposed to go this way… this has not been my plan… I do not agree to this… but here I am.
Lost scared and alone again…
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Philosophy
This has put me into a philosophical frame of mind as of late….
If I know that I am an emotionally sensitive human being, if I know how deeply I feel things and how easily I am crushed inside, why do I keep doing difficult things? Why do I still face the fear and wander into the unknown and dangerous when I know how badly I may take the coming fall? If I know that I hate being scared why do I keep summoning up my courage and facing scary things? Why am i so brave? Why do I keep putting myself into situations where I need to be brave? If I dread having a difficult life why do I keep making decisions that keep making my life harder?
Perhaps I should spend more time submitting to my fears and feelings of nervous trepidation. Maybe I should be listening to the fear and working harder to avoid these situations in the first place?
Why do other people think I am fearless…? on the contrary I feel my fear very acutely… I feel fear with great intensity and raw… i just have the courage to face it… but should I face my fears…? Is my tremendous courage actually helping me..?
Brother Ryan has always been my closest council I always depend on for wisdom and advice, I trust him deeply. He asks me the tough questions.. “Lexi you have to wonder what you are doing to attract these people into your life…? ” “.. this is… essentially… your doing… you got here by your own choices… you created this reality for yourself with the choices you have made that brought you here… ” Brother Ryan is harsh with me but direct and truthful with me. Here I am crushed and in tears again but I walked here with my eyes open… i knew that Elena had problems… I just forgave them…
I have been curled up in my bed crying like a baby again lately. I am at another low point in my life… I hate this situation… I DO NOT AGREE to this situation. I want to keep sailing with good Elena as we had planned together months ago. I want the dream we shared together. Yet I cannot have it can I…? Elena’s nice words are inconsistent with her actions.
I have never met anyone as silent and secretive as Elena before, and she utterly baffles me. I get that I am extroverted and other people can be introverted… and we meet somewhere in the middle. But Elena has really expanded my horizons… she takes introverted to a whole new level of cold lonely silence. I do not know how to be on a team with someone who literally turns her back to me, closes her eyes, and puts her fingers in her ears just to tune me out and pretend I do not exist. How do I deal with this person as a team mate. How do we work as a team when she is so completely shut down for days at a time..?
At what point are love kindness patience and forgiveness no longer effective tools…? I have these virtues in abundance and I use them often.. but before long I seem to find myself so far from my center. Elena is so amazingly selfish in her core I could not see it until recently that she has been using me…. because I always just forgave and found positive explanations for her behaviors and actions… I white washed them with love and kindness… but it seems to have made me blind.
Brother Ryan says the writing was on the wall a long time ago… Lexi you are a smart girl you could have seen it long ago and made different choices and not ended up in this position again…. but you were blind to it. He clearly saw this end inevitably coming. He asks.. so then Lexi why did you keep walking in this direction…?
Hmmm….. is it hope… optimism… trying to see the best in people… trying to achieve the good despite the road blocks…? Staying blindly focused on the end goal and not seeing the details right in front of me…? Does forgiveness whitewash reality and let the bad have a place to hide..? Is the Christian code of virtue actually not better than the athiest code of selfish using for personal gain..? Is infinite love patience kindness and forgiveness actually wrong…? or self harming..?
Much to think about sailors
Cheers
Captain Lexi
…. the lonely lost scared crushed and confused again…
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