So right now, as I am writing this, nobody in Grenada is allowed to leave their home for any reason this weekend except medical emergency. We are on total Covid lock down again. Grenada went from 90 total cases last blog to over 1500 Covid cases today. The radio says there is now one person a day dying of Covid. Sure Covid was a bad idea, but solitary confinement is not a very nice solution is it? I am struggling to fight off my loneliness and now a deep depression. Things keep getting worse not better

 

 

The Price of Fame

Last blog I spoke of personal things. Last blog I was writing about feelings and my human experience out here alone on a sailboat. Any woman reading it would have understood it was about feelings of hopelessness and sadness. An appropriate response would be something to the effect of   “…yeah…  poor girl… that has to be hard…“.   When you hear someone is suffering, empathy seems to me like a normal response. Men do not see the world thru emotional eyes, empathy is not their paradigm.

Now I do understand that my writings are very open honest and genuine, this is my nature. I also do not think there is anything special or important about me. I do not matter and nothing I ever say will ever matter. I really do not care if about  8 billion people on the planet read my stuff and judge me harshly. Mock me, make fun of me and criticize me to your heart’s content, as long as you never enter my world. I actually write mostly for about 50 people who do know me, people I care about, people who understand me.

I seldom advertise my website to people near me, to people around me. The only people who I have told about my website here in Grenada have been boat mom and dad, and one other sailor. BUT… it seems…   word has accidentally gotten out around here. Word of my website has suddenly spread thru the local cruiser community down here. That last blog has now garnered me unwanted attention.

I am quite uninterested in fame or notoriety, the unintended consequence of my media. I actually do not like the attention. It creates a power imbalance when I meet new people and they “already know me”.

It is unfortunate that I wrote that specific blog at that exact time, when local cruisers were searching for my website. The dirty old men around me I spoke of last blog began tripping over their penises again.

Here is just one of several emails I got recently from horny dirty old men soliciting me for sex as a result. They completely missed the point of the blog.

 

This guy in particular was a pain in the ass. It was like he somehow thought I wrote that last blog specifically addressed to him personally. (I have never met the man and have no idea who he is) I get that the male brain is designed to see the world in terms of problem = solution…. but guys… try to be civilized and understand women do not operate this way. I was not asking for a solution.

This guy kept emailing me and kept pushing his point that I was asking him (him personally) to fuck me like a piece of meat…? He offered himself as the solution to my horny problem. Like he has no idea girls connect feelings to sex…

Love first…   Sex second…  DUMBASS…!

I would prefer it if only women read my stuff, they are more likely to understand feelings and all the emotional stuff… but clearly I have no control over that. I told the old guy he was banned from me and my content and told him to go away and never contact me again. (I know I do not have the power to control this so relax)

People… think what you want when you read my stuff…. just please never contact me about it or tell me. If you are my friend you have my Whatsapp number… just text me personally.

But…. now that word about my website has gotten out locally… maybe I need to be more cautious about what I write…?????

 

Worrying About Crime

Every morning I listen to the local cruisers VHF radio net for information. Last week one of the cruisers anchored near me‘ish… reported on the radio net that someone was lurking around his boat last night and had stolen the gas can from his dinghy. Upon hearing this I perked up with anxiety. This seems like a bad thing.

If you can imagine, a girl alone on a boat always anchoring in new unfamiliar places, is very safety conscious. I personally am a big chicken, a scardy cat. Sure I do sleep with a knife in my open boat and mostly pray nobody ever boards my yacht uninvited. Could you imagine if some man did board my yacht in the night, whether just to steal or to hurt me…?   If you are laying naked alone in bed and need to use a knife to defend yourself things have gone horribly wrong and there is no good outcome possible.

These thoughts terrify me

As you can imagine, word that some prowler was recently cruising around our boats at night with bad intentions caused me great stress. Everything is always fine right up until the moment it is not, and we seldom see it coming.

 

 

I went to dispose of my garbage early morning last Tuesday and when I came back I found this local man just hanging around my boat. I am sure there are easily a thousand good and purely innocent reasons for this…  but how am I to know his intentions?

I worry… 

I recently decided to move around to Egmont bay. You can click here to see the video about that little jump a few days ago. What had me worried though, was that there was only one active captain review of the bay from a few years ago, and it was  a bad one.

 

Cruiser’s wife kidnapped and assaulted…   this is exactly my nightmare for the girl who wanders around alone. This would be one of my worst fears come true. All I knew of the bay before I came here was this review and that the place looked very secluded, remote.

Sailing, and being a Captain is about taking calculated risks…

 

Provisioning for the Apocalypse Again

It was last Wednesday that I was able to go provision again. I was still in Woburn bay and my new Canadian friend Lynn had offered to take me shopping with her. She lives on land now and has a car. (same girl who introduced me to my first car accident a few weeks ago) She is a wonderful woman and very kind to sailors. I just adore her.

Lynn is very knowledgeable about both Grenada and the local sailing scene, being a cruiser herself. She also knows the history of this place and knew of the story in that review. Although she wouldn’t tell me what the story was, she didn’t want to frighten me, she did assure me there was a lot more to it and it was a specific circumstance and not a random crime.

Lynn also assured me that the report of crime on the net the morning before was likely not an actual theft. She knows the cruiser in question and says the old man misplaces things and then always thinks his stuff was stolen. Lynn assures me…. Grenada is one of the most cruiser safe islands in the whole of the Caribbean. Actual crime to sailors is very rare she assures me.

 

 

Our provisioning trip went well. The super exciting news is… I finally found MILK….  YAY….! With Lynn’s help I was able to provision heavily and prepare for the coming total lockdowns. I have milk again… and chocolate. Chocolate milk should help me to fight off the depression coming over me. I also found veggies and potatoes and onions again. WildChild is all stocked up and ready for a long stretch off the grid, ready for the lockdown being forced upon me again.

This is my 16th forced “self isolation” or “forced quarantine” or “forced lockdown” whatever you want to call it, in the last 18 months. Honestly… they are getting harder to live with.

 

 

After provisioning Wednesday I came home to put everything away. Teddy had been bugging me to go out and explore by dinghy a little before we left Woburn bay. I relented to my best friend and together we went around the corner to explore and find some place called Le Phare Bleu.

You can click here to see the video of that fun afternoon.

 

The Solo Sail to Egmont

I know that most cruisers do not actually go sailing very often. Most of the boomers seldom lift their sails. For them, the wealthy privileged class their yachts are used more like floating retirement homes in the sun. For me…  I do not like to sit still for too long.  It is bad for the boat. Sailing yachts need to stretch their wings and feel the wind, it is what they are designed for. WildChild is a race boat, she needs to feel the wind.

 

 

I have been slowly exploring around Grenada and brining you guys along with me for the ride. I am currently in the southern bays, which is basically all there is in Grenada. I was curious about this bay because it is a hurricane hole, and its always good to know where those are, and it looked very well protected. Protected from ocean swell means the anchorage is likely to be calm enough for me to play my VR video games again.

 

 

I actually enjoyed the short solo sail. Sitting around all day in a bay gets boring, sailing was actually pleasant. The conditions were very calm and despite being a purely upwind sail, it went very well.  It is just the ever present tropical heat that saps the life out of you.

I was very glad my engine was doing so well for the long motor up into the long slender bay. The place was too tight to sail into anchor between the entrance reefs. You can see in the video that the charts for the entrance to the bay show it to be 2 feet deep… but the charts are wrong. The local sailor knowledge I gathered weeks ago at the trivia night proved to be reliable.

 

The new Neighbours

By the time I was finally making my way into this little fish bowl my engine was starting to get hot again. The engine room gets up to over 140 deg F and the water temp is 90 deg F…  the engine is supposed to run at only 160 deg F… and overheats at 180 deg F. The cooling system is just not designed for this kind of intensely hot environment. There is no way to dissipate the engine heat when the air and water around are so hot.

When I arrived in here alone, I was looking at the chartplotter knowing it was wrong and unreliable. There was a boat anchored exactly in the middle of the deep center of the little bay. My chart plotter showed the depths around the center of the bowl got shallow. There were 3 yachts already in here (not counting locally owned moored boats or boats on private docks). It is difficult to anchor alone on a good day.

I decided to try and split the difference in the middle of the 3 boats already anchored in here. Working alone I did everything i needed to do and got my anchor down. Understand it is very difficult to drop your anchor in any precise spot when you are solo. There is a fair amount of drift time between leaving the engine in neutral and getting up to the bow to release the anchor.

I did a reasonable job but did drift a bit out of the location I had intended. When I let the yacht settle back on her hook, and set it in with the engine, my position was acceptable, not perfect. There are sort of polite sailor rules about what defines too close. I was not too close to the boat set exactly in the middle, there was maybe 80 feet between us.

 

 

Before I am even done securing the yacht the new neighbor jumps in his dinghy to ride over to me. At first I think well hello… nice to meet you.

The guy is not one for small talk and soon comes out with…  “…ummm…  I was down below then I look up and BAM you are right there….  we like our privacy….  you are ruining our view…  can you move…”  !!!!  Well that was fuckin selfish and rude. No, hello how are you…?  No, introductions…  No, are you okay..?  No, it looks like you are alone do you need help…?   Nope… straight to…   I am a selfish spoiled boomer and I can only think of myself… and what I want…

wow… fuck you dude

I am just shocked. I have sweat pouring off me in the intense tropical sun. I am balancing my heart condition trying not to pass out while doing everything to secure my yacht alone. I am not even settled in yet and this selfish old man wants me to move to “not ruin his view“…!

I tilt my head and examine him while he is speaking. I rise up and say to him quite bluntly “you do realize that I am alone right?…    you get that it is very hard for me to anchor or move my anchor alone and it will take an hour for me to do this alone right…?    You get that you are anchored in the middle right…?   You understand that the charts say it shallow over there…?”  I am indicating the place he wants me to move to, behind him out of his line of sight.

 

 

I can feel it… this guy has pissed me off with his selfishness. Perhaps I should start a feud with him for the next week or two. It might amuse me. Maybe I will cover his boat one night in toilet paper just to watch him freak out in the morning. He has annoyed me and maybe I will begin repaying him in earnest just for something to do… cause you know…

fuck you boomer

I did move over a little bit into the shallows later that day when the sun set behind the hills, cause you know, I don’t want him near me either.

_________________________________

*********

Okay men… time to stop reading

we have arrived at the feelings part of my blog

and clearly you are unlikely to understand any of it

_________________________________

Lockdown Depression

Covid Rage

Covid was a terrible idea. If you have been paying attention and finding good sources of information (click here for a well documented book on the subject) you will have figured out by now that Covid was created by men. It was not hard to figure this out in the beginning, before the great whitewash and cover up began.

There was a great Video by Dr. Rashid Butar that proved that America was doing (and publishing) gain of function research on SAR Cov2 way back in 2015. They even openly discussed crossing in bat viruses. I watched the video a bunch of times before it got sanitized for the official narrative of the governments..

 

I know (and I have a right to my opinion) that Covid was created by the American government in a lab in America in cooperation with Chinese researchers. When the illegality of it was discovered the US government moved the research to a lab in Wuhan China, that they also funded.

Whether Covid escaped accidentally or was released deliberately I have no idea. What I have no doubt about is that is was deliberately man made (extremely evil). The people responsible have done a good job getting away with their crime against humanity. The most colossal crime against the human race ever perpetrated.

Well….   ummm…. maybe FUCK you too assholes…  maybe I am starting to get really pissed off about this plague. Maybe I am getting tired of being punished for their crimes. Maybe there is a deep anger beginning to rise inside me. Maybe I want to rage against the dying of the light. Maybe I want to yell and scream and kick and bite the assholes responsible for this mess.

But instead… I am isolated and denied social contact and denied the right to move around. Instead I sit here alone and tolerate the tropical heat. There is nothing any of us can do about it, we must all swallow our rage. The present and future hope of all young people has been stolen from us and there is nothing we can do with our pent up rage except stew in it. We watch our rights and freedoms get stolen and we know it’s happening, but there is nothing we can do about it isolated and alone.

Financial Rage

If any of you pay any attention to economics, you already know that the entire world economy has been getting raped by the boomers for decades. There is a great market crash that must come soon, even the boomers will feel it. National debts are skyrocketing beyond any government’s ability to repay… EVER… but your great grandchildren will be paying the interest on your debts forever.

I have been told for a decade now that there is no inflation yet my cost of living has gone up 300% while my wages have gone down. Young people are working full times jobs and cannot even afford to rent a room. Many working young people with full times jobs are homeless. We know that we will never be able to afford a middle class home like all the boomers have. It is all downhill from here and we know it.

We young people are frustrated with the shitty economy we have inherited from the spoiled boomers. We are filled with rage and have no place to direct it. We are losing hope for the future.

Our young futures have been stolen from us and it only gets worse every year 

 

Hopelessness breeds depression….

Isolation breeds depression…

Loneliness breeds depression….

Frustration unexpressed breeds depression…

 

Don’t worry everything is great says the rich comfy wealthy selfish baby boomers… 

Boomers out here all the time unhelpfully tell me that I should just have a better boat like they do… they tell me I should just go live at a marina… or go pay for a mooring ball… or go eat in nice restaurants like they do… life is great they assure me. Yes money helps…  but you get that young people do not have any, we are busy paying your debts. Here is a great book you should read on the subject.  Click Here

Well maybe FUCK you boomers…. why should I spend my entire life working to pay off the debts your generation has left me? Why should I accept a lower standard of living than you have?

Survivors Spirit

How am I supposed to not be depressed. What exactly am I expected to do? Sure people in prisons in solitary confinement are safe from Covid, but that does not mean they do not suffer in silence. My prison is rather comfortable, has a lovely view, but it is still a prison.

I am a very strong girl. I will not bore you with the details, born to angry chain smoking alcoholic abusive parents, sexually molested as a young child, living on the streets at 17, raped twice, but fuck it all. I know a lot about the world of darkness and I am very good at dealing with it. I am a survivor, very hard to keep down.

Sure I never agreed to be alone on a boat on the ocean, never wanted this, have always been terrified to be alone out here. I know I am not hermit material. Is it my fault my boyfriend decided to attack me in a drunken rage…? I had to kick him out, but saying it was choice to be alone out here like a hermit is a bit unfair. But who cares… I made the best of it.

I had crew… we were having a lovely time 2 years ago and were about to bring WildChild home when this man made plague hit. I lost my crew and now crew is very hard to find. Sure it is my choice to not sail directly to Nova Scotia alone to go home, but are we sure it is really my fault?

I am trapped… so very trapped… in a life I no longer choose… which could be good…  but currently isn’t. It is very emotionally hard to swallow the rage frustration and hopelessness everyday when I wake up alone in my prison.

Feeling Abandoned by God

If you have been following along you know that I always wear a gold necklace with a Christian cross on it. The necklace itself is very expensive and the only jewelry that I really treasure. I never take it off because it holds my Christian cross on it. I always keep this cross next to my heart to remind me that God always walks with me. The cross itself, was given to me by the Christian family that adopted me off the streets when I was 17. It is not fancy or expensive but it is deeply personal. The cross they gave me when I first became a Christian. I have never taken it off since then. It is the symbol that I always keep God close to me.

 

 

I was here in this bay when I lost the cross. I think it must have been when I lifted my anchor to move, that the necklace must have gotten caught in the anchor chain. I did not feel it get ripped off my neck. I discovered the broken necklace shortly after. My Christian cross is gone now… and I feel quite abandoned by God lately.

One of the things that I really truly believe, I have total faith in, is that I do have a spirit that will survive the death of this body. I also believe that there are things that exist outside the realm of science. I do not know exactly what the rules on the other side are…  but the other Christians seem very sure that if I commit suicide God will be pissed off with me and I will either get trapped in purgatory or hell for eternity.

If I didn’t believe this…  I think I would be hanging myself right now.

Not sure I won’t be hanging myself soon…

Not sure I am strong enough to fight the darkness alone anymore….

I suffer silently and alone thru my Covid depression…

 

 

Wild Captain Lexi

… lost alone and very depressed lately ….