I have now been out on the ocean a long time and if mother nature has taught me anything it is twofold…  A/ nothing on the ocean EVER goes according to plan…   and   B/ the universe doesn’t care what I want. So being a sailing captain is very much about adapting flexing adjusting to the fluid dynamic nature of reality. I have crew and friends ask me all the time… “hey Captain Lexi… so what’s your plan for… (insert any future time)..?”. My answer is always similar…  “umm… plan… schedule… I have no idea… but loosely I’d like to try and do…  (insert whatever I hope to do)…”.

 

My Plan

A week ago I had a lovely plan for WildChild and my new crew Brendan. The weather down here in the Caribbean has been unseasonably windy for the entire month of February. Like the usual Christmas winds came two months later this year. We had 20-30 knot winds everyday for a month making sailing rather sporty and difficult. Finally… last week as I watched the forecasts developing for this week I found the golden window of opportunity. Tuesday (March 2nd) the winds would finally relax as a high pressure system settled just north of us.

My lovely plan was to convince Peter to come sailing with Brendan and I up to Jolly Harbour, he could just take a bus or taxi back to his boat the same day. Peter had been complaining that he hadn’t sailed in 3 months and wanted to get out there on the ocean again. Of course I invited him to come for a lovely afternoon of sailing with me. He was depressed about his boat and I thought sailing would lift his spirits.

The opportunity of the plan was to sail up to Jolly Harbour for Tuesday, provision Wednesday… and in yesterday’s (Thursday March 4th 2021) perfect sailing conditions (see image above) have a perfect broad reach starboard tac winds just aft of the beam in perfect calm seas with a gentle 14 knots of perfect sailing winds to gently deliver us back to the paradise of Barbuda.

What a great plan…

I did mention that nothing ever goes according to plan right.

The Universe’s Plan

I will not relive the details of how the universe deviated my brilliant plan, because I really do not want to talk about it. What has amazed me yesterday as I read what I wrote in the last blog, was how well I did with spelling and grammar. That was a very open stream of consciousness blog I wrote while still in shock and disbelief mixed with grief and tears streaming down my cheeks the whole time. I am a writer and for me, writing is often my therapy. I guess I needed the therapy.

I know enough of myself and my herstory to know that I cannot handle death. AT all…!   Really. Despite my very tough exterior shell that seems to intimidate people, inside I am a very soft emotionally sensitive girl who wants to hug everyone and save everyone and make everyone feel safe and happy. I am the girl who recently cried while killing a Tuna… I am the girl who cries while taking the hook out the mouths of the Barracuda I catch. Tough on the outside very soft on the inside.

Once, years ago, I had the father of a co-worker die, whom I never knew, and everyone from the small company was attending the funeral. I had never seen a dead body before. I walked into the funeral home with a coworker, saw the body laying in the coffin from 100 meters away, started to cry and melt down and ran, yes ran… out of the funeral home and waited across the street. Human beings are not supposed to be like that. I cannot handle it. I know I cannot handle death. My own parents both died 11 months apart about 5 years ago, and that did not go very well either.

So if the universe were to ask me… if I agree to walk onto my friends boat, find him dead, and do CPR on his corpse…  Well…  I would emphatically decline and refuse… because I could tell the universe that I know for sure that would mess me up inside. For sure I cannot handle that, just too emotionally sensitive inside…      soo… you know… no thank you.

The universe never asks me for my consent as reality unfolds around me, as I am nothing more that an insignificant speck of dust on the ocean, I am merely a background character in the great complicated drama of humanity that unfolds around me. Unwittingly I walked into exactly that situation on Monday. Tuesday’s sail got cancelled in the blink of an eye.

Mark, from SV Roxy, described me as a basket case on Monday and Tuesday. I cannot sleep because I am traumatized by Mondays events. The trauma of the experience haunts my sleep. I am having nightmares preventing sleep from lasting more than an hour. I close my eyes and can see smell and hear every detail of the bad day. How do I heal from trauma that haunts my sleep.

Men tell me not to feel that way all the time. The male dominated world we live in, that fears and does not understand female emotions just demands I just be logical for their comfort. Just be logical girl. Have no feelings.  Men….   sometimes their stupidity baffles me.

Feeling are okay. Women should not be made to apologize for having feelings. Feeling are a process you have to just get thru. You have to have them, and let them flow thru you, and try not to do anything too extreme or rash during them, and let your feelings flow through until they are done. I am a highly emotional and highly logical human being, its what makes me such a rare bird. I am a weird balance between the two powerful states. I am strongly governed by empathy and compassion for others. My logic solves problems for me and guides me thru life under the umbrella of my empathy.

Monday Tuesday and Wednesday I was exclusively an emotional being, my logic had been subjugated by the trauma and shock my emotions were trying to process.

I do not know exactly what the 5 stages of grief are, because I never really needed to know before. I know the last stage is acceptance. Deep inside my logic was trying to tell me the sooner I get to acceptance the better. I actually put it on my to-do list for Wednesday. All day I just kept trying to repeat the words to myself…   “Peter is Dead” until my soul could grasp it, accept it.

This is not a pleasant thing to have to put on your to-do list on any day.

I think moving from total shock to acceptance in 4 days is remarkable. By last night I was functioning again. Sooo… you know… good girl right?

Brendan commented today on how well I handled the whole thing.

So instead of going for a lovely sail with my friend Peter and new crew Brendan on Tuesday the universe decided I was going to deal with something I had little capacity to deal with. It was forced upon me. I bent flexed adapted and changed myself to overcome (sort of… still having nightmares). Instead of sailing to paradise in Barbuda yesterday in perfect sailing conditions I was securing my friends yacht, closing the seacocks and shutting off the gas and locking it up. I never agreed to assume temporary responsibility for securing my friends boat but how could I do any less?

 

 

The coast guard was apparently pressuring to take Bershert away around the corner to the special spot they have for boats abandoned by owners one way or another. I have seen it and photographed it before, Peter told me about it a month ago. Everyone who starts out on a sailing dream has such grand plans. Seldom do the new Captains yet understand that Mother nature’s plans are more powerful, and they are not always pleasant. If you have been following me for the last few years you know that I am infinitely curious about the sailing dreams that go bad.

Each of these boats on death row over there has a a story. I would love to know them.

I am hoping that Peters daughter does not let this graveyard become the fate of Bershert. I understand she is grieving and maybe she will find the strength, and help, to alter the fate of the yacht. Get it sold so someone else can spawn a sailing dream on the yacht and carry Peter’s spirit with them onboard Bershert.

I am often curious about what the fate of WildChild will be? I am extremely curious about what the universe has in store for me too. I have had crew that really believe that you control the future with positive vibes. Just think good thoughts and the world will become a lovely place, only goodness will be attracted to you. Mind you these are always people who have lived charmed and blessed easy lives.

 

I know that I have to fight and struggle inside to return to healthy. I know my attachment to my friend has been unhealthy, I went over to talk to him everyday for 3 days after he died. I am a survivor though. My life has had lots and lots of horrible in it, lots and lots of bad in it, I have a deep and powerful survivor’s spirit inside me. I decided that today (Friday March 5th) it was time to pull my head out of my ass and move forward. Brendan and I went and hiked the middle ground trail today. We just did it about a week ago with Peter but I thought the exercise and Brendan’s eternally calm company might help to distract me, help me start moving forward again.

 

The wind forecast for tomorrow is looking great for that Jump north and around the corner to Jolly Harbour. I am thinking it is time to leave this place, put it behind me. The internet in Falmouth for anybody with a digicell SIM card is horrible, FLOW SIM’s cards work okay here but DigiCell doesn’t. If I go to Jolly Harbour I get internet access back. I get the two local TV stations to watch and a lovely grocery store to provision in.

I have not heard back too much from Peters daughter about Bershert so I think I will leave the yacht to its fate now. Mostly Peter has been erased from existence now as we all soon will be, the cycle of life right?

I think I will let go, its time for WildChild to move on.

I do have some friends in Jolly Harbour I would like to go see.

Mr. Jarvis the art dealer..? seller…?  maker..?  artist..?  He was not there in his outdoor art shop last time I was there and I missed him that day. Maybe tomorrow I will go visit my other friend.

Maybe Barry will be available to visit with me.

 

 

cheers sailors…

 

Captain Lexi…

 

already the loneliest girl on the ocean…

………..   and now the saddest girl on the ocean too…  🙁