I can feel it… I am in a mood… there is a pressure beginning to build inside of me. As I slowly drift off the deep end I am beginning to fear I am going to pop soon, crack. The total isolation of my life is beginning to get to me deep inside. Like a prisoner who does not think they will survive their prison sentence much longer, so too I feel my life is wearing me down. I will save all the emotional stuff for the end so the people who only want to hear about cruising life can skip it.

So first the boring stuff…

 

Last Week Before Lockdowns

 

As you guys well know I am famous for my love of chocolate milk, but I am a spoiled Canadian princess girl, milk means; proper fresh refrigerated milk, thick and creamy and delicious. Box milk does not taste like real milk, more like watered down almond milk maybe (yuck). I had already failed to procure milk two weeks ago. So last Friday I paid again for the shopping bus ($15ec) to go again to the only western grocery store on the island and try to get milk again.

I failed… again…!

 

The day before the government down here warned that the Delta Variant of Covid has hit the island and was quickly spreading out of control. At first 30 people, then a few days later it was 90 people including 6 police officers testing positive. New lockdown restrictions were due to be announced later that day. (actually in fact… were probably being announced while I was waiting in line to enter the grocery store) Everybody on the planet now knows how this routine goes.  There was a rush to buy groceries and the lineups to even get into the store went around the corner.

Here is what is interesting about it though. The shelves in the store were already going bare. The ship with the food containers, that was supposed to arrive the day before, got delayed by Covid rules on another island, and therefore did not make it to Grenada on time. This island, indeed all of them, are so dependant on those ships to provide everything they need to live, that if the ship delays even a day, the shelves begin to go bare.

Well what would happen if a ship did not come for two weeks…?   I am sure these islands are only 1 month away from social break down and anarchy, starvation changes all the rules of any society. I think their governments do not understand or appreciate just how fragile their societies really are. They could farm more locally, like the french islands do, but they choose to depend completely on tourism dollars. Well what happens when that well runs dry? What happens if the supply ships delay a few weeks?

So fragile… 

It is terribly depressing that I have now paid for the shopping bus twice, $30ec wasted, two half days wasted, and still cannot get milk… poor Lexi. I know… rich people problems right? Poor princess.

I figured I might as well make the best of the trip and walk over to the KFC nearby. I know you rich land people would seldom ever crave fast food, but for us sailors it’s a rare treat. I like KFC chicken and KFC fries with gravy. I decided to treat myself to a meal out.

 

 

Well get this…  They had no original chicken and no gravy…!   And this was the second time I stopped in for these items. Who ever heard of a KFC without any chicken to serve..? I am beginning to feel cursed. This is getting depressing.

I was having a very unsuccessful day

When the bus brought me back to the Clark’s Court marina, where I parked my dinghy, I thought I would stop in to visit the Cruisers Galley and play some pool. I am not very good at pool but I do enjoy playing it.

 

 

With recent, like announced only a few hours ago, Covid restrictions everyone remained alone, isolating from others, and physically distant. I was vaguely hopeful that perhaps someone would see me playing pool alone and want to join me, but too Covid dangerous I guess. I played pool alone for a few hours and did my best to make the most of things.

This was the last time I have been on land, last Friday. This was my last “social” contact with other human beings. I have been completely isolated and alone since then. Not a soul in the world to talk to. Only my teddy bear to listen to me talking to myself, back to total isolation again.

 

Alone on the Boat Again

Again I remind my dear reader that i lost my watch and have very little sense of time, so please forgive me for getting the exact chronology of my stories wrong. Sometime after the shopping trip, I was home alone, as usual, and down below watching TV after sunset. It was maybe around 11pm or so and the anchorage was calm.

The biggest problem here in the heat is that lately there has not been much wind and none at nights at all. That night was no different, maybe 5 knots of wind outside. All of a sudden there is a loud WHOOSH sound from above, the yacht suddenly rears back against her anchor chain, and just like that…   POOF… the shade tarp is gone.

 

 

Out of the blue, lasting for only a few seconds, there was a sudden burst of powerful winds out of the hills in front of me. The wind must have burst over 30 knots, came on very suddenly, and was over in less than a minute. Then there was a rain squall with 15 knots of wind in its wake. It must have been the leading edge of the storm. This stuff happens, real sailors know all about it.

So unfortunately I no longer get to have a shade tarp over my boom to try to help mitigate the horrible and ever present heat of my tropical life. AND… girl… is it very hot down here.

 

 

Honest to goodness… to even begin to empathize with my misery try turning the heat in your house up to 39 degrees C  (102F) , turn ON a humidifier to get the humidity up above 60%, and see in a few days how much clothing you are still wearing. Even when I wear a bikini I am sweating it right thru and my body temperature climbs that extra degree closer to heat stroke again. It is so hot I cannot even sit inside my boat during the afternoons, I MUST sit out in the cockpit and pray for a breeze. I have to dunk into the water to cool down when I get dangerously close to heat stroke again.

 

The American NOAA “real feel” charts… the “real feel” temp inside my boat is 137 deg F

 

You know… a dark blue hull might have been a good idea up in nice and cold Canada, helpful even, but it is a terrible idea down here in the tropics. Goodness I wish I had a white hull, with pink highlights of course   🙂

So next time you are complaining about how hot it was for you to walk from your air-conditioned home to your air-conditioned car, please think of me and appreciate the fruits of your wealth. Be grateful you are not a poor sailor girl stuck alone in the tropics on a dark blue boat in the unrelenting tropical sun.

My life might be different than yours, but really please do not envy it.

 

Boat Repairs

When I was on the shopping bus last week, and now knowing they stop at a hardware store, I had a little project in mind. For my cockpit shower, the lock/latch on it, is getting rather rusty and the key broke off inside it a month ago. I was still able to pry it open and closed but I had been thinking perhaps I should try to effect a better solution.

 

 

Although I think it is unnecessary to have an actual lock on the box, and turnable handle would suffice, none are available. Using my Dremel tool and my electrician tools I spent an hour working on this small easy boat repair. I like easy jobs.

Yesterday, just before sunset, I was sitting down below working on uploading my most recent video, when I heard a sudden loud CRASH sound from the back of the yacht. I ran up to investigate, and was greeted by a terrible sight.

 

 

At first, as the adrenaline courses thru my veins, I fear my Davits have collapsed suddenly. It looks for a moment like the starboard side Davit has failed, broken…?   Upon closer inspection the support system is fine, huge relief. It seems…  the triple block at the top has suffered metal fatigue and completely failed…! The stainless steel has fractured…!

 

 

I do understand the force loads on these items are terrific. I am grateful I was not sailing at the time it failed, how horrible would this be to deal with in 10 foot waves and 25 knots of wind?

I get the sinking feeling again, ohh fuck this is gonna cost a thousand dollars.

Have you ever heard the Acronym for what the letters in B.O.A.T. really stand for…?   Sailors all know this…

Break    Out    Another   Thousand

Here in the Caribbean, sailing mecca, I am sure the blocks I need will be available. I am also sure they will cost 300% more than they would in Canada. In Canada I am sure each of these blocks would cost a few hundred dollars. Slice in the Caribbean customs taxes and easily this will hurt for a thousand bucks. You know… the money I do not have.

“…but Lexi… you is White… all white people are rich…”

Island people really believe this…   not kidding. Don’t worry I am told… it is not possible for black people to be racist, only white people can be racist.

Sure…

Well good news, Wild Captain Lexi, like all good captains, has a small obsession with carrying spare parts. I dug around in the spare blocks tool box and found some blocks, already on hand, that would work. Using a headlamp I worked into the dark and did a fabulous job McGyuivering up a Frankenstein solution that will work.

I did not have any triple blocks, for the top, that would work, but a double and a single block connected together would work.

YAY… for a solution that cost me nothing but time.

YAY for the wisdom of Captain Lexi to know to stock up on extra parts before she left Canada. I solved this problem 4 years ago… smart girl.

 

okay, here is where the boring people should stop reading

the next part is personal and human and vulnerable

____________________________________________

 

Sexy Girl

I have a terrible sense of time, but I think it was last week, before the last excursion to shore, that I decided to do my nails. The last thing on my to-do list for that week was to do the laundry, in my bucket, by hand, then there were no projects left that would require my hands to suffer.

 

 

Believe it not, under all this armour of toughness, lies a very soft sweet sensitive feminine girl. Back home in Canada, before I left to go sailing, I ALWAYS had my nails done professionally. Nice long sexy acrylic nails. Always french manicure. Long nails are so impractical, hard to have, and extremely sexy. I love them and regret that my hard harsh difficult lifestyle has taken this luxury away from me.

It is super difficult to do your own acrylic nails, I am sure very few women even try to do it themselves, but I live completely alone. My life of total isolation, and inability to travel to a professional salon, and with Covid restrictions having all the nail salons closed down, pushed my into doing this for myself.

Therein lies the key word… for myself.

I did this for me. I did this because I am tired of feeling like a dirty soggy sea rat all the time. I did this because I need to remember that I am a girl. I did this because I need to feel sexy again. I did this because it makes me immensely happy.

When you have impractical long sexy nails, you have to move your hands differently. The way you physically interact with objects is more gentle, more soft, more feminine. You need to use your hands carefully, treat them with gentle respect. It is such a sexy feeling.

 

 

I love my new long impractical sexy nails. I remember a time when I was not a dirty soggy sea rat but rather a beautiful feminine sexy woman. I miss that life. I miss the privilege of being soft delicate and feminine. Maybe I do not want to always be this big tough powerful intimidating warrior sailor Goddess all the time. Large proud and in-charge every minute of everyday, always strong and on guard.

Goodness I miss having a boyfriend, someone to shelter and protect me, help me. I remember a time when I did not have to cut my hands up to repair an engine.

 

 

Feeling good about myself I even took the time to have a nice cockpit shower, clean up my whole body, shave my long sexy legs, and wear some nice perfume. With my freshly washed long silky hair flowing down around my shoulders I was beginning to feel like a girl again. I was feeling good about myself, sexy and attractive. My low self esteem getting a much needed boost.

I was feeling good about myself. Feeling sexy began to turn me on. I was getting horney. I have not had sex in almost two years now. I miss having someone to touch me. I miss having a partner whose back I can ever so softly caress with my long sexy nails. It feels deliciously good.

There is certain masculine tool a girl with long sexy nails can grasp and bring towards her hungry mouth….     I miss this.

I am human. I am still a girl under all the salty toughness. I do have strong sexual desires and interest. I am quite capable of lustful energy. I do get hungry for sex and sexual touch. I can remember a long time ago, it used to be so wonderful. I miss being touched so much. I really want to get fucked, a lot and often.

I am human and I am suffering thru the terrible loneliness and isolation of my cruising life alone during Covid. I am getting fucking depressed. What if I want to have a nice partner to share my life with. Someone filled with virtue honour integrity and respect. Someone kind to snuggle with, touch and be sexual with. Why can I not enjoy the coupling experience I see everyone else around me gets to enjoy?

I am hungry…   and it is getting worse every month

I am hungry… and not having a partner hurts more every month

I am hungry… and there is fuck all I can do about it out here

I am suffering

 

The Source of the Isolation

Okay… I am going to wander alone out into left field here. Let us think a little bit more about my life out here.

I admit to being deceitful about my age, I am extremely weirdly emotionally sensitive about my age. Thru deliberate and willful self deception I do not actually know my own age. I tell people I have turned 29 several times…. so you may reasonably speculate I am somewhere in my mid 30’s.

The cruising community is a sea of grey hair. Probably 90% of the sailors out here are roughly twice my age. Do you hang out with people twice your age? Whats that…?   NO…  because you have very little in common with people your parents age?  yeah… me too. The generation gap is just too much for me and for them. Old people do not know what to say to me.

Probably more than 90% of all boats are occupied with couples. Already married couples. So even when I do occasionally find a boat with young people on it, closer to my age, with whom I have things in common, it is NEVER a solo sailor my age. I am closer in age to the children on the boats around me than to the old people who own them.

Think about this, in light of my recent observation in the section above, I am lonely and horny, what woman is going to want to let me near their husband?  Last blog I spouted off about how women get so jealous around me. Other women, young or old, see me as a threat to their own  marriages. So no matter how well I contain my pent up sexuality, no matter how restrained I am, other women just are not going to risk having the cute sexy young girl near their husbands.

Even if they know and trust I am not going to do anything to violate the sanctity of their marriages, they do not trust their own husbands not to. Most men can and will cheat on their wives. It always shocks me when married men hit on me, or get lustful towards me. They are the ones who made wedding vows… it is their fucken job to keep their own vows… it’s not my job to uphold their promises to their wives. But I am always the one who gets punished by it.

Bad Lexi.. how dare you be young cute and sexy…!

The other solo sailors, people who are also lonely even for simple company, are all old men. Men twice my age who usually cannot help but trip on their penises when talking to me. How am I supposed to find a solo sailor to just be friends with? How am I to even find anyone my age to be friends with?

So not only is living alone on a sailboat a very physically isolating lifestyle

Not only is Covid and Covid lockdowns forcing extra levels of social isolation on me

but…  it seems…. my youth gender and sexuailty have also completed the curse…

I live in total isolation because I am unlike everyone around and too threatening for others to risk being around. I am a wonderful human being, an angel, but it is actually the source of the problem. The fact that I am naked most of the time does not help my case. I am not going to just be a slut, go onshore, and fuck any random stranger, I am not an animal, I am far more civilized than that. I have no outlet for my sexual energy.

Having sexual energy is too dangerous for everyone around me it seems, I am treated like a leper because of it. But being a sexy young woman is not a crime I have committed… so why must I be punished for it…?

When I was in a couple, had a boyfriend, invitations to socialize with other cruiser couples were easy to secure. Now, the young sexy single girl is deliberately excluded from the social occasions… she is too dangerous to have around.

 

I really am living in total isolation 

I dislike it

I am getting really depressed

been thinking of an early check out lately…

pulling the ripcord… 

lots of rope around here

 

okay… that is enough for today teddy…

thanks for listening…

 

Wild Captain Lexi

 

the horribly depressed lately…

….          lost alone and hopeless….